You Are What You Eat

Here is a skit I wrote a couple of years ago, before we even had the idea to do Shots of Sketch, it's called "You Are What You Eat" it stemmed from all those slogans that started in the ninties, "Click it, or ticket" "Verb: It's what you do" "This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs" etc. basically designed to get embedded in your brain and come back as u are about to not follow the law, do drugs, or eat unhealthily, which is where "You are what you eat" was, I think the comercials had to do with some fat woman who ate donuts for breakfast, then when at work her butt cheeks became two donuts, essentially one of those commercials aimed at fat people to tell them they should be ashamed (and sometimes we are, but mostly I just want ranch with everything) This skit is about how rediculous it would be for someone to take those saying very literally, "You are what you eat" just think about it, what wouldn't you eat? It's like you're Mega Man! (Assuming Mega Man eats all of the robots whose powers he steals) This was also one of the first appearances of Mr. Morel, at first just the after man, someone who came on to tell a funny little message at the end, like "Oh you missed the point of this skit? Well here it kinda is" but then while working on it I don't remember who (I can't claim it to be me, it very well might have been DeAndre Clay, who played Mr. Morel) had this hilarious idea, let's make him this Rod Serling type character, suddenly it was the Twilight Zone, which, if they had a skit show, I think these would fit in all right.  Here is the Skit:

Mr. M: Have you ever heard a phrase and just thought it was too good to keep to yourself?  Remember “Verb, it's what you do” “Just do it” or even “15 Minutes or more could save you 15 % on auto insurance”? Well this is a warning tale about such phrases, the tale of “You are What You Eat”
(Mr. M Exits, and Man 1 and Man 2 enter on opposite sides of the stage
Man 1: (Has a sandwich)  Oh hello friend, how are you doing on this fine weekday afternoon?
Man 2: Oh just fine neighbor, nothing to complain about, say what's that you got there?
Man 1:  Just a sandwich I bought at our local supermarket.
Man 2:  Oh.........well.....isn't that just.....good.....well, um... enjoy....(Clearly something is wrong, he definitely wants to just go into what he heard, but knows better, but is really eager to use his new catch phrase)
Man 1:  Wait, what's wrong
Man 2:  Oh nothing.....except...
Man 1:  What?!
Man 2:  Well do you know what's in that sandwich?
Man 1: (Laughs, the laugh should say “Is that all?”) of course I do, I put in a special order : Mayo, Ham, .........(Keep listing regular sandwich items)
Man 2:   man that sounds like a good sandwich
Man1:  Why, yes, I suppose it does
Man 2:  (Shakes head)  Oh you poor Man (Or Woman)  Don't you see?  That's exactly what they want you to believe, but in reality there could be up to a gazillion germs on that sandwich, for all you know an angry teenager could have put some Semen in that sandwich!
Man1:  But the person who made my sandwich was a woman
Man 2: Well maybe her bitter boyfriend slipped some in just to spite her, but that doesn't matter!  I'm a person who is telling you something you may not initially agree with, but because I sound so sure of what I am saying, it makes you think of the horrible possibilities, making you paranoid, also making that sandwich inedible, also the fact that this is happening so fast that you don't even have time to check my credibility, if any, that's why you have to get rid of that sandwich! (This should try to get done in one breath, the speed should get faster, the stakes higher, so that in the end the sandwich is kinda like a bomb, that needs to be diffused.  Also Man 1 needs to show that what man 2 is saying is his actual thought process, make note that when Man 2 talks of credibility there is a change in Man 1, but that change gives way to Man 2's demand to get rid of the sandwich)
Man 1:  How?
Man 2:  Throw it away!
(Throws the sandwich offstage, both men begin to calm down, as if they just diffused that sandwich bomb, the two men's cooling off process is a chance for some physical improv, show thought process, up to a hysterical laugh that says “what the hell did we just do?  We treated a sandwich like a bomb!” then laughter gives way to paranoia from Man 1)
Man 1:  Well what do you suggest I do friend?
Man 2:  Well, I'm gonna give you a piece of wisdom given to me by a higher power
Man 1: Oprah?
Man 2: A higher power
Man1:  Who could it be?  Oprah is the highest power, not even the President is immune to her
Man 2:  It doesn't matter, here are those words of wisdom:  You Are What You Eat!
Man 1:  (As if this is a gift from the gods) Wow!....(Paranoia sets in again)  You mean I could've become some sort of man-sandwich-germ-turkey-lettuce-semen monster!???
Man 2:  You very well could have
Man 1:  Oh thank you kind friend, you really are a friend to save me from such a horrible fate!
Man 2: Don't mention it!  Just pay it forward...(Starts to leave)
Man 1:  Wait, my goal in life is to become an Olympic swimmer, are you saying that if I eat an Olympic swimmer, then I will become one?  (Becoming menacing)
Man 2: I don't think that's how it works, I mean I suppose if you are what you eat then theoretically if you eat an Olympic swimmer, you will become one, but I don't think that is at all ethical or possible, I mean how would you trick them into letting you eat them?  Would you kidnap them.....(Man 2 rambles for a while, during Man 2's ramblings Man 1 is turned around, or at the corner of the stage, but not where you can see him from the front, because he is eating, him eating should grow so vicious that it actually distracts the audience from what Man 2 is saying, if people don't get it then just have Man 2 stop talking because he realizes what Man 1 is doing, eating Human Flesh) .....but I don't think that's how it works...
Man 1:  (he turns around to reveal blood and meat chunks on his face)  Too late, I already ate a cop
Man 2:  OH MY GOD!!! Why?!  What's wrong with you?!
Man 1:  What, you got a problem with cannibalism??
man 2:  Well, not a huge one, but kinda,  I mean what the hell! You ate a cop!?
Man 1:  They have a lot of power, they can get places
Man 2:  Places?
Man 1:  To get to my next target I will have to traverse the world, and become many different people, and in the end  I will become Oprah!
Man 2:  Your gonna eat Oprah!!!!???  You can't, I won't let you! I'll go get the police!  They'll stop you!
Man 1:  I can't let you do that, I need to become a god (Clearly he has lost his marbles) and Oprah is the only God I know, and besides, I am a cop! (Evil laugh)
(He eats Man 2, as we see him start to devour Man 2 Mr. M comes out onstage, but does not stand in front of the tragedy, he stands to the side of it)
Mr. M:  Be careful of what you say, you never know what idiot is listening
(Man 1 looks at Mr. M hungrily)
Mr. M:  You can't hurt me, I'm the narrator
Man 1:  I could be a Narrator?
(Man 1 chases Mr. M offstage, we hear the screams of Mr. M as Man 1 rips into his flesh, we hear the ripping too, then Man 2 comes out onstage)
Man 1:  (Now in Mr. M's bloody torn clothes)   Don't fight change

END