Here is entry number one in New Works Friday. let me know what you think, and I hope your interested in seeing where this is going, now I won't say that every NWF is gonna be this story, but as of right now I will be exploring this for awhile. Do note that this is more like a first draft of these stories, it is by no means a polished product. Hope it's not terrible. Enjoy.
The year 2012 was predicted to be the end of the world, and to some it was, there were many deaths, but in reality what it was meant as was the end of an era of living. On September 24th 2012 the dead began to rise from the grave, beginning what was known at the time as the Zombie Apocalypse, this would later be revised seeing as how it was offensive to the undead. The first wave of the undead was like any normal horror movie, Zombies coming out of the ground and biting people, those who were not eaten became Zombies themselves, but what people began to notice that was strange was that those who were bitten did die, and did become Zombies, but still had brain functions, they were still very human, this would later be explained by the fact that they were not dead for very long before reanimating. The people who died and were reanimated had no recollection of who they were, and were born with "The Hunger." They would eat their loved ones, not because they were mindless, simply because they were reborn and no longer knew these people. When the government figured this out they began a study, capturing any and all Zombies that still had cognitive abilities, hoping to use them as some sort of biological weapons, or merely as target practice. Sometime around 2015 life had returned to mostly normal, or as normal as it could, most of the Zombies had been cleared out by the military. Unfortunatly no one looked into the cause of the Zombie attack, but not to worry on August 14th 2015 the San Andreas Fault opened up, destroying a large portion of California, and out came more Zombies, this time dressed in armor with shields bearing a Purple skeleton hand grasping a Black skull. They didn't attack they just stood there as news crews and the military approached, millions watched as out of the fault six hooded figures in Violet robes appeared. One stepped forward and showed his face, it was nothing but a bleach white skull. "I am Omino, leader of the Undead, we come in peace and wish to speak to you about the horrible event that happened three years ago on September 24th." He explained to the people that the Zombie outbreak occurred when their lower class, the mindless Zombies, tried to take over their government, which was ruled by these Six robed figured, called The Hex. He referred to himself as Hex Omino, he was part of the upper class of the Undead. The one's like him were referred to as "Muertos" their people appeared in Mexico hundreds of years ago, at the time they were a monarchy and it was their Queen Mictecaihuatl who they worshiped in their old tradition. The Skeletons later took on the name Muertos once the Spanish fused traditions with the natives and Dia de los Muertos came about. The Undead Middle Class was made up of the Zombi, which were Zombies with cognitive abilities, much like the humans who had died when bitten then come back. Those who were Zombie had only been dead from anywhere between a second and a hundred years, anytime longer then that their consciousness began to fade and they would become the Lower Class Zombies who lost all power of thought beyond their next meal, or so it was thought until they tried to overthrow the government. Hex Omino said that his people wished to live side by side with Humans, and that they were willing to share the secrets of the dead with the human race. Of course this sounded great and all, the only problem is that the Zombie's and the Zombi's main food source seemed to be humans, the Muertos had no need to eat, seeing as how they had no organs or meat on them. The Hex known as Hex Agon solved this problem by stating that all Zombies would be kept back in the Underworld, and that Zombis did not eat esclusively Human flesh, Hex Agon was working on a substitute that could be used to satiate The Hunger, and that with the help of the Human scientists he would be able to finish his work.
Over the next 50 years the Undead began to integrate into Human society, of course doubling the population of a planet in a matter of 50 years can be a problem, especially when one considers that not all Undead were good people in their Predeath. The Hex assured the Human race that once someone dies they cannot carry memories into their Postdeath. The only ones who had any recollection of their Predeath were the Hex, that is why they were chosen to lead, they were special, any and all information of the Muertos Predeath was kept under very tight security. A new class sytem began to establish itself in the world. At the top were the wealthiest Humans, then the Muertos, next the Middle Class Humans and the Zombie were seemingly one class, next the Lower Class Humans, and finally the Zombies. The pyramid that was the human class system got taller with the lowest layer far exceeding the top four combined. But there was nothing that could be done, extra measures were taken to insure that the Zombies did not break out of the underworld, nor were they allowed to unionize like before, they were treated the worst of all creatures, living or dead.
75 years later, the year 2140, Humans and Undead have been living and working together for a better tomorrow, the Muertos have established a project for a new colony on the Moon, their workers don't need oxygen, the project is nearing completion and soon the entire moon will be inhabitable, even for humans. The plan is to move the two upperclasses to the moon, a plan that does not sit well with most, unease permeates Earth, and the leader of the project, Hex Achord has gone missing. Here is where our story starts...
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Previously on BattleStar Galactica...
...just kidding (Seriously a great show, just watched all four seasons of the reimagined show) I decided that for every post that doesn't have the title of a piece of work in it I want it to be something nerdy, but linked somehow, like my first post (Are you a Boy or a Girl?) it was about beginnings, this one is about what I've Previously posted, see what I did there? Oh, you don't care? well... uh sorry... I was just trying to have a little fun. ANYHOO so far I've been posting stuff I've already written, once a week I want to try and post something new, or different. It won't just be scripts either, I have a story in the works, and I want to start posting "chapters" of it, not really sure how long it will be so I don't know if Chapters or Parts is a better word for it. I will be trying to post a new work every Friday, so we'll see how long that lasts. Enjoy and if you have any feedback I would love and or hate to hear it (I won't really know until I hear it) One of the best pieces of advice I ever got about writing was from Stephen Metcalf (look him up, I took a class with him, crazy right?) He essentially told us that listen to any and all comments on your writing, and then chose what to do with them, keep em and incorporate them into your writing, or know that they are pieces of shit and throw em out. I like it, and again I'm paraphrasing I'm very bad at word for word quotes. oh, and I think I will call this new works friday thing: New Works Fridays
The Misadventures of Jebbie Dones
This skit was inspired by this girl I knew in high school, named Debbie Jones. And by inspired, I mean I used her name and loosely (VERY loosely) based this character off her. Plus I am a bit dyslexic so I called her Jebbie Dones once and a couple of us liked it. Anyway, this was another early skit written a couple of years ago, I had another one that I never really got around to finishing, about a young girl and a time machine/elevator it didn't quite work out, but, meh we'll see. I always thought it was funny that on TV the most "wholesome" girls were the ones getting pregnant, or into some sort of trouble, (Saved, Glee, Secret life of the american teenager[I actually never watched it, but I can only assume] Teen Mom [Wholesome as shit] and Degrassi [ I'm talking about Liberty, Manny was pretty slutty by the time she got pregnant, plus she had an abortion]) I sorta took that idea, wholesome girl, pastor's daughter, white, christian, from Texas, and made her this nympho, she doesn't know any better, she is so father controlled in every other aspect of her life that the one thing he hasn't said was made by the devil must be ok. One of my favorite parts of this skit is the sound cue towards the middle, we hear the sounds of a murder or some sort of thing from Jebbie's past, and she breaks for a second, then it is all wiped clean. Oh Mr. Morel is in this one too, and again he interacts with the characters at the end. Let me know what you think.
Mr. M: Oh adolescence, it's supposed to be the best years of our lives, but what happens when we are brainwashed by our family? When the ones who are supposed to teach us what is right and wrong abuse that responsibility, let's watch this cautionary tale, called The Misadventures of Jebbie Dones
Jebbie: Hiya, my name is Jebbie Dones, and I am from the great country of Texas! Or at least that's what my daddy says, but now we live here in this great state, Southern California, in these great United States “Oh say can you see!!!” (“” means bad singing) Oh! Um.. Soy de estados unidos (Said very “Gringa”) for the espanish speakers in the audience, I wish I knew how to say it in 4 more languages, but I only know it in espanish because our cleanin lady Dona-Flora-Rosalina-Donna-Huerta-Gloria-Molina-Rodriguez-Escalante-Ramirez (As she says this she pulls up her sleeves to reveal she has the name written on her arm, she reads it off her arm, and when she runs out of room on one arm, she switches to the other to finish the name) Sorry, I can't remember all that, luckily, no one knows about it. But any way , she can only speak in Spanish! My Dad, a pastor says that we saved her from a horrible place called D.F. In Mexico, I'm not really sure where that is, but if places are anything like grades this D-F place sounds pretty bad. My dad told me that D stands for Damnation, such as Eternal Damnation, and F, stands for Fires, such as the Fires of Hell. My Daddy is really smart, he took me out of public school because there were so many ummm..what did he call them?....Coloreds? And Mommy said she was afraid of the buds and the cribs were gonna wrap me (she means the bloods and the crips and rape) I'm not sure what that means but Mommy and Daddy agreed on it, and that rarely happens. I mean why else would Daddy choke Mommy?. Any way the Bible tells me that one should always listen to their father, no matter how questionable his demands are. (Long pause as if remembering a horrible event, if possible a sound cue, Sound cue may be a gunshot, a scream, and the sound of a shovel digging or something else maybe even her singing “This Little Light of Mine” Through tears, then she does away with it) Only you me and God, Daddy......Only you me and God......
(Skud comes in)
Skud: Hey Jebbie! What'cha doing?
Jebbie: (Snapping out of trance) Huh, Oh Hey Skud! (To Audience) Skud is our neighbor, my Mommy says he is a nice boy, My Daddy says he is the Anti-Christ (Back to skud) Just doing some thinking, (Jebbie twitches, but with pretty much her whole body)
Skud: Oh, well what you doing after that?
Jebbie: Dunno, nothing I guess, oh! What day is it?
Skud: Tuesday
Jebbie: OH! It's tubular Bible Tuesday!
Skud: What in the world is that?
Jebbie: well it is like a regular bible study, only it's tubular!
Skud: Well how about we go see one of those movin pictures? instead?
Jebbie:(She slaps him) Are you crazy! My Daddy says that movies are the devils recruiting tools, whole buncha movies about coloreds and homosexuals, the only movie my Daddy let me watch was this one called Birth of a Nation. And I even heard there was one about (GASP!) The Jews!
Skud: All right, well how about dinner at Herb's Diner?
Jebbie: (Slaps Him again) Do you have any idea what they put in the food there?!
Skud (Rubbing cheek) What?
Jebbie: Reefer!!!!
Skud: What? That's ridiculous! Sure maybe someone finds a human finger every now and again, but never has anyone found Reefer in their food! I should know I work there!
Jebbie: Well believe what you want, but as my Daddy and The Bible says “Though shall not hold any God's before me”
Skud: What does that have to do with any-
Jebbie: Plenty! If you read the Bible!
Skud: All right, well how about we just go to my house and have sex? (Ready to get slapped)
Jebbie: (grabs him and lays a big one on him) Well since no one ever really told me not to have sex, it must be ok in the eyes of my Daddy and the Bible! Let's go!
(She Jumps on him, they continue to make out as he strips her shirt off, doing all this as they exit, then Mr. M enters)
Mr. M: Talk to your children (Throws out Condoms)
(Skud reenters wearing a doctor mask, running to the opposite side of the stage, we hear Jebbie offstage doing her breathing, screaming in pain, she is in labor, the doctor tells her the baby is coming out and to give it one big push, she does and a baby comes flying onstage, as Jebbie begins to scream again a shitload of babies come flying onstage, Mr. M starts to help skud catch them)
Mr. M: Congratulations Pappa!
Mr. M: Oh adolescence, it's supposed to be the best years of our lives, but what happens when we are brainwashed by our family? When the ones who are supposed to teach us what is right and wrong abuse that responsibility, let's watch this cautionary tale, called The Misadventures of Jebbie Dones
Jebbie: Hiya, my name is Jebbie Dones, and I am from the great country of Texas! Or at least that's what my daddy says, but now we live here in this great state, Southern California, in these great United States “Oh say can you see!!!” (“” means bad singing) Oh! Um.. Soy de estados unidos (Said very “Gringa”) for the espanish speakers in the audience, I wish I knew how to say it in 4 more languages, but I only know it in espanish because our cleanin lady Dona-Flora-Rosalina-Donna-Huerta-Gloria-Molina-Rodriguez-Escalante-Ramirez (As she says this she pulls up her sleeves to reveal she has the name written on her arm, she reads it off her arm, and when she runs out of room on one arm, she switches to the other to finish the name) Sorry, I can't remember all that, luckily, no one knows about it. But any way , she can only speak in Spanish! My Dad, a pastor says that we saved her from a horrible place called D.F. In Mexico, I'm not really sure where that is, but if places are anything like grades this D-F place sounds pretty bad. My dad told me that D stands for Damnation, such as Eternal Damnation, and F, stands for Fires, such as the Fires of Hell. My Daddy is really smart, he took me out of public school because there were so many ummm..what did he call them?....Coloreds? And Mommy said she was afraid of the buds and the cribs were gonna wrap me (she means the bloods and the crips and rape) I'm not sure what that means but Mommy and Daddy agreed on it, and that rarely happens. I mean why else would Daddy choke Mommy?. Any way the Bible tells me that one should always listen to their father, no matter how questionable his demands are. (Long pause as if remembering a horrible event, if possible a sound cue, Sound cue may be a gunshot, a scream, and the sound of a shovel digging or something else maybe even her singing “This Little Light of Mine” Through tears, then she does away with it) Only you me and God, Daddy......Only you me and God......
(Skud comes in)
Skud: Hey Jebbie! What'cha doing?
Jebbie: (Snapping out of trance) Huh, Oh Hey Skud! (To Audience) Skud is our neighbor, my Mommy says he is a nice boy, My Daddy says he is the Anti-Christ (Back to skud) Just doing some thinking, (Jebbie twitches, but with pretty much her whole body)
Skud: Oh, well what you doing after that?
Jebbie: Dunno, nothing I guess, oh! What day is it?
Skud: Tuesday
Jebbie: OH! It's tubular Bible Tuesday!
Skud: What in the world is that?
Jebbie: well it is like a regular bible study, only it's tubular!
Skud: Well how about we go see one of those movin pictures? instead?
Jebbie:(She slaps him) Are you crazy! My Daddy says that movies are the devils recruiting tools, whole buncha movies about coloreds and homosexuals, the only movie my Daddy let me watch was this one called Birth of a Nation. And I even heard there was one about (GASP!) The Jews!
Skud: All right, well how about dinner at Herb's Diner?
Jebbie: (Slaps Him again) Do you have any idea what they put in the food there?!
Skud (Rubbing cheek) What?
Jebbie: Reefer!!!!
Skud: What? That's ridiculous! Sure maybe someone finds a human finger every now and again, but never has anyone found Reefer in their food! I should know I work there!
Jebbie: Well believe what you want, but as my Daddy and The Bible says “Though shall not hold any God's before me”
Skud: What does that have to do with any-
Jebbie: Plenty! If you read the Bible!
Skud: All right, well how about we just go to my house and have sex? (Ready to get slapped)
Jebbie: (grabs him and lays a big one on him) Well since no one ever really told me not to have sex, it must be ok in the eyes of my Daddy and the Bible! Let's go!
(She Jumps on him, they continue to make out as he strips her shirt off, doing all this as they exit, then Mr. M enters)
Mr. M: Talk to your children (Throws out Condoms)
(Skud reenters wearing a doctor mask, running to the opposite side of the stage, we hear Jebbie offstage doing her breathing, screaming in pain, she is in labor, the doctor tells her the baby is coming out and to give it one big push, she does and a baby comes flying onstage, as Jebbie begins to scream again a shitload of babies come flying onstage, Mr. M starts to help skud catch them)
Mr. M: Congratulations Pappa!
END
You Are What You Eat
Here is a skit I wrote a couple of years ago, before we even had the idea to do Shots of Sketch, it's called "You Are What You Eat" it stemmed from all those slogans that started in the ninties, "Click it, or ticket" "Verb: It's what you do" "This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs" etc. basically designed to get embedded in your brain and come back as u are about to not follow the law, do drugs, or eat unhealthily, which is where "You are what you eat" was, I think the comercials had to do with some fat woman who ate donuts for breakfast, then when at work her butt cheeks became two donuts, essentially one of those commercials aimed at fat people to tell them they should be ashamed (and sometimes we are, but mostly I just want ranch with everything) This skit is about how rediculous it would be for someone to take those saying very literally, "You are what you eat" just think about it, what wouldn't you eat? It's like you're Mega Man! (Assuming Mega Man eats all of the robots whose powers he steals) This was also one of the first appearances of Mr. Morel, at first just the after man, someone who came on to tell a funny little message at the end, like "Oh you missed the point of this skit? Well here it kinda is" but then while working on it I don't remember who (I can't claim it to be me, it very well might have been DeAndre Clay, who played Mr. Morel) had this hilarious idea, let's make him this Rod Serling type character, suddenly it was the Twilight Zone, which, if they had a skit show, I think these would fit in all right. Here is the Skit:
Mr. M: Have you ever heard a phrase and just thought it was too good to keep to yourself? Remember “Verb, it's what you do” “Just do it” or even “15 Minutes or more could save you 15 % on auto insurance”? Well this is a warning tale about such phrases, the tale of “You are What You Eat”
(Mr. M Exits, and Man 1 and Man 2 enter on opposite sides of the stage
Man 1: (Has a sandwich) Oh hello friend, how are you doing on this fine weekday afternoon?
Man 2: Oh just fine neighbor, nothing to complain about, say what's that you got there?
Man 1: Just a sandwich I bought at our local supermarket.
Man 2: Oh.........well.....isn't that just.....good.....well, um... enjoy....(Clearly something is wrong, he definitely wants to just go into what he heard, but knows better, but is really eager to use his new catch phrase)
Man 1: Wait, what's wrong
Man 2: Oh nothing.....except...
Man 1: What?!
Man 2: Well do you know what's in that sandwich?
Man 1: (Laughs, the laugh should say “Is that all?”) of course I do, I put in a special order : Mayo, Ham, .........(Keep listing regular sandwich items)
Man 2: man that sounds like a good sandwich
Man1: Why, yes, I suppose it does
Man 2: (Shakes head) Oh you poor Man (Or Woman) Don't you see? That's exactly what they want you to believe, but in reality there could be up to a gazillion germs on that sandwich, for all you know an angry teenager could have put some Semen in that sandwich!
Man1: But the person who made my sandwich was a woman
Man 2: Well maybe her bitter boyfriend slipped some in just to spite her, but that doesn't matter! I'm a person who is telling you something you may not initially agree with, but because I sound so sure of what I am saying, it makes you think of the horrible possibilities, making you paranoid, also making that sandwich inedible, also the fact that this is happening so fast that you don't even have time to check my credibility, if any, that's why you have to get rid of that sandwich! (This should try to get done in one breath, the speed should get faster, the stakes higher, so that in the end the sandwich is kinda like a bomb, that needs to be diffused. Also Man 1 needs to show that what man 2 is saying is his actual thought process, make note that when Man 2 talks of credibility there is a change in Man 1, but that change gives way to Man 2's demand to get rid of the sandwich)
Man 1: How?
Man 2: Throw it away!
(Throws the sandwich offstage, both men begin to calm down, as if they just diffused that sandwich bomb, the two men's cooling off process is a chance for some physical improv, show thought process, up to a hysterical laugh that says “what the hell did we just do? We treated a sandwich like a bomb!” then laughter gives way to paranoia from Man 1)
Man 1: Well what do you suggest I do friend?
Man 2: Well, I'm gonna give you a piece of wisdom given to me by a higher power
Man 1: Oprah?
Man 2: A higher power
Man1: Who could it be? Oprah is the highest power, not even the President is immune to her
Man 2: It doesn't matter, here are those words of wisdom: You Are What You Eat!
Man 1: (As if this is a gift from the gods) Wow!....(Paranoia sets in again) You mean I could've become some sort of man-sandwich-germ-turkey-lettuce-semen monster!???
Man 2: You very well could have
Man 1: Oh thank you kind friend, you really are a friend to save me from such a horrible fate!
Man 2: Don't mention it! Just pay it forward...(Starts to leave)
Man 1: Wait, my goal in life is to become an Olympic swimmer, are you saying that if I eat an Olympic swimmer, then I will become one? (Becoming menacing)
Man 2: I don't think that's how it works, I mean I suppose if you are what you eat then theoretically if you eat an Olympic swimmer, you will become one, but I don't think that is at all ethical or possible, I mean how would you trick them into letting you eat them? Would you kidnap them.....(Man 2 rambles for a while, during Man 2's ramblings Man 1 is turned around, or at the corner of the stage, but not where you can see him from the front, because he is eating, him eating should grow so vicious that it actually distracts the audience from what Man 2 is saying, if people don't get it then just have Man 2 stop talking because he realizes what Man 1 is doing, eating Human Flesh) .....but I don't think that's how it works...
Man 1: (he turns around to reveal blood and meat chunks on his face) Too late, I already ate a cop
Man 2: OH MY GOD!!! Why?! What's wrong with you?!
Man 1: What, you got a problem with cannibalism??
man 2: Well, not a huge one, but kinda, I mean what the hell! You ate a cop!?
Man 1: They have a lot of power, they can get places
Man 2: Places?
Man 1: To get to my next target I will have to traverse the world, and become many different people, and in the end I will become Oprah!
Man 2: Your gonna eat Oprah!!!!??? You can't, I won't let you! I'll go get the police! They'll stop you!
Man 1: I can't let you do that, I need to become a god (Clearly he has lost his marbles) and Oprah is the only God I know, and besides, I am a cop! (Evil laugh)
(He eats Man 2, as we see him start to devour Man 2 Mr. M comes out onstage, but does not stand in front of the tragedy, he stands to the side of it)
Mr. M: Be careful of what you say, you never know what idiot is listening
(Man 1 looks at Mr. M hungrily)
Mr. M: You can't hurt me, I'm the narrator
Man 1: I could be a Narrator?
(Man 1 chases Mr. M offstage, we hear the screams of Mr. M as Man 1 rips into his flesh, we hear the ripping too, then Man 2 comes out onstage)
Man 1: (Now in Mr. M's bloody torn clothes) Don't fight change
Mr. M: Have you ever heard a phrase and just thought it was too good to keep to yourself? Remember “Verb, it's what you do” “Just do it” or even “15 Minutes or more could save you 15 % on auto insurance”? Well this is a warning tale about such phrases, the tale of “You are What You Eat”
(Mr. M Exits, and Man 1 and Man 2 enter on opposite sides of the stage
Man 1: (Has a sandwich) Oh hello friend, how are you doing on this fine weekday afternoon?
Man 2: Oh just fine neighbor, nothing to complain about, say what's that you got there?
Man 1: Just a sandwich I bought at our local supermarket.
Man 2: Oh.........well.....isn't that just.....good.....well, um... enjoy....(Clearly something is wrong, he definitely wants to just go into what he heard, but knows better, but is really eager to use his new catch phrase)
Man 1: Wait, what's wrong
Man 2: Oh nothing.....except...
Man 1: What?!
Man 2: Well do you know what's in that sandwich?
Man 1: (Laughs, the laugh should say “Is that all?”) of course I do, I put in a special order : Mayo, Ham, .........(Keep listing regular sandwich items)
Man 2: man that sounds like a good sandwich
Man1: Why, yes, I suppose it does
Man 2: (Shakes head) Oh you poor Man (Or Woman) Don't you see? That's exactly what they want you to believe, but in reality there could be up to a gazillion germs on that sandwich, for all you know an angry teenager could have put some Semen in that sandwich!
Man1: But the person who made my sandwich was a woman
Man 2: Well maybe her bitter boyfriend slipped some in just to spite her, but that doesn't matter! I'm a person who is telling you something you may not initially agree with, but because I sound so sure of what I am saying, it makes you think of the horrible possibilities, making you paranoid, also making that sandwich inedible, also the fact that this is happening so fast that you don't even have time to check my credibility, if any, that's why you have to get rid of that sandwich! (This should try to get done in one breath, the speed should get faster, the stakes higher, so that in the end the sandwich is kinda like a bomb, that needs to be diffused. Also Man 1 needs to show that what man 2 is saying is his actual thought process, make note that when Man 2 talks of credibility there is a change in Man 1, but that change gives way to Man 2's demand to get rid of the sandwich)
Man 1: How?
Man 2: Throw it away!
(Throws the sandwich offstage, both men begin to calm down, as if they just diffused that sandwich bomb, the two men's cooling off process is a chance for some physical improv, show thought process, up to a hysterical laugh that says “what the hell did we just do? We treated a sandwich like a bomb!” then laughter gives way to paranoia from Man 1)
Man 1: Well what do you suggest I do friend?
Man 2: Well, I'm gonna give you a piece of wisdom given to me by a higher power
Man 1: Oprah?
Man 2: A higher power
Man1: Who could it be? Oprah is the highest power, not even the President is immune to her
Man 2: It doesn't matter, here are those words of wisdom: You Are What You Eat!
Man 1: (As if this is a gift from the gods) Wow!....(Paranoia sets in again) You mean I could've become some sort of man-sandwich-germ-turkey-lettuce-semen monster!???
Man 2: You very well could have
Man 1: Oh thank you kind friend, you really are a friend to save me from such a horrible fate!
Man 2: Don't mention it! Just pay it forward...(Starts to leave)
Man 1: Wait, my goal in life is to become an Olympic swimmer, are you saying that if I eat an Olympic swimmer, then I will become one? (Becoming menacing)
Man 2: I don't think that's how it works, I mean I suppose if you are what you eat then theoretically if you eat an Olympic swimmer, you will become one, but I don't think that is at all ethical or possible, I mean how would you trick them into letting you eat them? Would you kidnap them.....(Man 2 rambles for a while, during Man 2's ramblings Man 1 is turned around, or at the corner of the stage, but not where you can see him from the front, because he is eating, him eating should grow so vicious that it actually distracts the audience from what Man 2 is saying, if people don't get it then just have Man 2 stop talking because he realizes what Man 1 is doing, eating Human Flesh) .....but I don't think that's how it works...
Man 1: (he turns around to reveal blood and meat chunks on his face) Too late, I already ate a cop
Man 2: OH MY GOD!!! Why?! What's wrong with you?!
Man 1: What, you got a problem with cannibalism??
man 2: Well, not a huge one, but kinda, I mean what the hell! You ate a cop!?
Man 1: They have a lot of power, they can get places
Man 2: Places?
Man 1: To get to my next target I will have to traverse the world, and become many different people, and in the end I will become Oprah!
Man 2: Your gonna eat Oprah!!!!??? You can't, I won't let you! I'll go get the police! They'll stop you!
Man 1: I can't let you do that, I need to become a god (Clearly he has lost his marbles) and Oprah is the only God I know, and besides, I am a cop! (Evil laugh)
(He eats Man 2, as we see him start to devour Man 2 Mr. M comes out onstage, but does not stand in front of the tragedy, he stands to the side of it)
Mr. M: Be careful of what you say, you never know what idiot is listening
(Man 1 looks at Mr. M hungrily)
Mr. M: You can't hurt me, I'm the narrator
Man 1: I could be a Narrator?
(Man 1 chases Mr. M offstage, we hear the screams of Mr. M as Man 1 rips into his flesh, we hear the ripping too, then Man 2 comes out onstage)
Man 1: (Now in Mr. M's bloody torn clothes) Don't fight change
END
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
The Interview
This skit was alot of fun, I acted in this one with the talented Mr. DeAndre Clay, he was the one getting interviewed. Nathan Bell improved a great transition with DeAndre, the interview was taking place in his dream, and as DeAndre fell asleep Nate echoed "Hope you get the job, hope you get the job, hope you get the job"
This skit actually came out of a dinner I had with some friends at Denny's (The only thing open past 10Pm in Wildomar) where I was "Interviewing" this chick named Trish, she had met all my old high school friends at their junior college, and apparently she was getting on some nerves, so I decided to have a little fun with her.
Interview
A table, a man comes in to be interviewed for a job
Interviewer: Hello, and Welcome, thank you for meeting with me today. Now, I'm just going to ask you some simple questions, and all you have to do is answer openly and honestly, no pressure ok?
Man: Ok
Interviewer: Now just what are your reasons for applying with us today?
Man: Well, I think your company would be a great place to work and I love all the products your company makes
Interviewer: I'm gonna have to stop you and remind you that I asked you to answer honestly and openly
Man: uh... Well my reasons for applying are... that-
Interviewer: Financial or other?
Man: Financial, I really need the money-
Interviewer: For crack?
Man: What? No, I don't do crack
Interviewer: Do you look down on people who use crack?
Man: I... Don't know I mean I think it's bad to use crack
Interviewer: Do you often look down on others? Do you think you are better then them and that your choices are made with any more thought then theirs?
Man: I'm sorry, I think we got off on the wrong foot
Interviewer: Right, let's keep going with the interview, it says here that your last job was at a store called Lotions and Lace? Tell me about that
Man: Well, it was a specialty store in my hometown, that sold various types of... things
Interviewer: Pornography?
Man: Uh
Interviewer: I'm going to remind you again to be honest
Man: Fine! Yes it was a porn store!
Interviewer: Thank you for being honest, now tell me what was you relationship like with your father?
Man: It was alright, I mean he was a pretty ok guy, he worked 3 jobs to support us kids
Interviewer: Did he ever hit you?
Man: I guess, when we deserved it
Interviewer: Was it abusive?
Man: What? No, I wouldn't say--
Interviewer: Ok, well I'm going to put down abusive
Man: Is that really on the form?
Interviewer: and your mother?
Man: she was a stay at home mom
Interviewer: alcoholic?
Man: No, sober 45 years
Interviewer: Intravenous drug user?
Man: Not that I know of
Interviewer: lady rapist?
Man: No!
Interviewer: did she ever hit you?
Man: no
Interviewer: kill your dog?
Man: no
Interviewer: eat a sandwich?
Man: no!-- wait what?
Interviewer: so she doesn't like sandwiches, ok, duly noted.
Man: I don't understand what this has to do with the job or the interview
Interviewer: Well, of course not, I'm the one with the form. Now, tell me, are you in a relationship?
Man: is that on the form too?
Interviewer: no i'm just wondering
Man: oh, well I'm single
Interviewer: why is it that an attractive young man like yourself is still single? Are you into violent sex acts?
Man: no i'm just not looking for a relationship
Interviewer: ah, man-whore
Man: no, i'm not a manwhore
Interviewer: asexual? That sounds fine. What about siblings?
Man: I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters
Interviewer: any in prison?
Man: NO
Interviewer: How does that make you feel?
Man: uh, good?
Interviewer: should a person who has siblings that have been in prison feel bad?
Man: I don't--
Interviewer: Right, well what about dogs?
Man: dogs? Do I have any dogs or have any of my dogs been in prison?
Interviewer: now that is just silly (laughs) really can anyone really own a dog? Alright, well just a few more questions. Tell me a sad story from your childhood
Man: I don't think so
Interviewer: well someone really doesn't want a job
Man: fine one time when I was 12... I went to my neighbors house and I saw his wife have a heartattack and as she died she looked me in the eyes and told me I would never amount to anything.
Interviewer: tell me about the neighbor? Did he ever touch you inappropriately? Gently at first? And then get a little rougher?
Man: ok, seriously, that cannot be on the form.
Interviewer: (hands form) line 24b
Man: (reading) “Gently at first? And then get a little rougher?” What the-- how is-- you know what I don't even care. I'm just going to go. I don't even want the job. Good day sir, good day.
(exits)
Interviewer: Such a shame such a shame, he woulda went far here.
FIN
This skit actually came out of a dinner I had with some friends at Denny's (The only thing open past 10Pm in Wildomar) where I was "Interviewing" this chick named Trish, she had met all my old high school friends at their junior college, and apparently she was getting on some nerves, so I decided to have a little fun with her.
Interview
A table, a man comes in to be interviewed for a job
Interviewer: Hello, and Welcome, thank you for meeting with me today. Now, I'm just going to ask you some simple questions, and all you have to do is answer openly and honestly, no pressure ok?
Man: Ok
Interviewer: Now just what are your reasons for applying with us today?
Man: Well, I think your company would be a great place to work and I love all the products your company makes
Interviewer: I'm gonna have to stop you and remind you that I asked you to answer honestly and openly
Man: uh... Well my reasons for applying are... that-
Interviewer: Financial or other?
Man: Financial, I really need the money-
Interviewer: For crack?
Man: What? No, I don't do crack
Interviewer: Do you look down on people who use crack?
Man: I... Don't know I mean I think it's bad to use crack
Interviewer: Do you often look down on others? Do you think you are better then them and that your choices are made with any more thought then theirs?
Man: I'm sorry, I think we got off on the wrong foot
Interviewer: Right, let's keep going with the interview, it says here that your last job was at a store called Lotions and Lace? Tell me about that
Man: Well, it was a specialty store in my hometown, that sold various types of... things
Interviewer: Pornography?
Man: Uh
Interviewer: I'm going to remind you again to be honest
Man: Fine! Yes it was a porn store!
Interviewer: Thank you for being honest, now tell me what was you relationship like with your father?
Man: It was alright, I mean he was a pretty ok guy, he worked 3 jobs to support us kids
Interviewer: Did he ever hit you?
Man: I guess, when we deserved it
Interviewer: Was it abusive?
Man: What? No, I wouldn't say--
Interviewer: Ok, well I'm going to put down abusive
Man: Is that really on the form?
Interviewer: and your mother?
Man: she was a stay at home mom
Interviewer: alcoholic?
Man: No, sober 45 years
Interviewer: Intravenous drug user?
Man: Not that I know of
Interviewer: lady rapist?
Man: No!
Interviewer: did she ever hit you?
Man: no
Interviewer: kill your dog?
Man: no
Interviewer: eat a sandwich?
Man: no!-- wait what?
Interviewer: so she doesn't like sandwiches, ok, duly noted.
Man: I don't understand what this has to do with the job or the interview
Interviewer: Well, of course not, I'm the one with the form. Now, tell me, are you in a relationship?
Man: is that on the form too?
Interviewer: no i'm just wondering
Man: oh, well I'm single
Interviewer: why is it that an attractive young man like yourself is still single? Are you into violent sex acts?
Man: no i'm just not looking for a relationship
Interviewer: ah, man-whore
Man: no, i'm not a manwhore
Interviewer: asexual? That sounds fine. What about siblings?
Man: I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters
Interviewer: any in prison?
Man: NO
Interviewer: How does that make you feel?
Man: uh, good?
Interviewer: should a person who has siblings that have been in prison feel bad?
Man: I don't--
Interviewer: Right, well what about dogs?
Man: dogs? Do I have any dogs or have any of my dogs been in prison?
Interviewer: now that is just silly (laughs) really can anyone really own a dog? Alright, well just a few more questions. Tell me a sad story from your childhood
Man: I don't think so
Interviewer: well someone really doesn't want a job
Man: fine one time when I was 12... I went to my neighbors house and I saw his wife have a heartattack and as she died she looked me in the eyes and told me I would never amount to anything.
Interviewer: tell me about the neighbor? Did he ever touch you inappropriately? Gently at first? And then get a little rougher?
Man: ok, seriously, that cannot be on the form.
Interviewer: (hands form) line 24b
Man: (reading) “Gently at first? And then get a little rougher?” What the-- how is-- you know what I don't even care. I'm just going to go. I don't even want the job. Good day sir, good day.
(exits)
Interviewer: Such a shame such a shame, he woulda went far here.
FIN
An Intervention for Cecilia Marble
This was our longest Skit that night, i think around 15 minutes, this actually started out as a documentary style short film, I guess it would be a Mockumentary? Anyway I thought it would work for the stage just as well, it seemed really simple seeing as how there wasn't much action going on at first. For those of you familiar with Pink Flamingos you will probably spot the uh homage (Is that right?)
A stage, there are four stools, 2 stage left and 2 stage right , in which sit Meredith, Luigi, Bass and Treble Marble. Center to upper center is the bedroom of Cecilia. Each character addresses the audience, the only two characters who are addressing at the same time are Meredith and Luigi, all the characters act as though they are being interviewed, except Cecilia who is between interview and life. Her alarm sounds and she wakes up, and sees the audience.
Cecilia: Oh hi, I didn't see you there, my name's Cecilia marble, I’m 20 years old, a Christian, O blood type, High School graduate, B cup, I still have all my teeth, and am a Partial Virgin (She throws up into a bucket loudly, her phone rings, she answers it) Hi Mom... Sorry, I'll try to be quieter. (She throws up again and drops her phone into the bucket, only pulling it out when she is done vomiting) was that too loud? Well turn up the damn tv! (She hangs up and sits up, composing herself) I have 20/20 vision, I like walks on the beach, sunny days, rainy days, sometimes cloudy days, people say I'm too nice sometimes. (She takes a swig of a vodka handle)and, I'm an alcoholic.
Meredith: Meredith Marble, 48. Our daughter Cecilia is a wonderful young woman, she is the kind of girl that all the guys want to talk to and all the girls want to be friends with, she was on the honor roll and was even the manager of our local Hollywood Video
Luigi: Luigi marble, 50. But recently our daughter has become more and more distant and is at home less and less. Last week she didn’t come home for three days!
Meredith: And when I asked her where she was she told me to…to… (SHE BEGINS TO CRY)
Luigi: LUIGI: She told my wife to shut her whore mouth.
(MEREDITH CRIES LOUDER)
BASS: Bass Marble 25, Yeah Cecilia’s drinking has gotten out of control recently , and she always drinks hard shit too ya know? Every time I see her she’s got a new bottle in her hand, and it’s pretty bad, cause she can’t hold her liquor ‘n stuff, she’s always puking everywhere and she can’t even clean it up ya know? Also she gets pretty mean when she drinks, the other day she told my Mom to shut her whore mouth.
Her alarm goes off again
Cecilia: Mother fuck... I wish someone could tell me how to just once wake up without a splitting headache.
Tony: (From under her covers he just appears) you could drink less
Cecilia: Oh shit! Who are you?
Tony: Tony, we met at the bar last night?
Cecilia: Did we bang?
Meredith: Oh god my baby! What happened to my Baby?!!!
Luigi: Just two years ago she was helping us deliver babies, that’s part of what we do, see we own and operate a baby farm out of our basement, we find young women nobody will miss and impregnate them, Cecilia would help deliver the babies, which we would sell to deserving Lesbian couples for a cool coupla Mill. It’s a family business! But one time Cecilia puked all over one of the babies, luckily it was mostly alcohol and chicken strips.
Meredith: Cecilia also used to be our accountant and made sure we always had a good amount of money in the bank, she kept everything on the up and up. But her drinking almost landed us in hot water once, about six months ago she got wasted and forgot to bribe the mayor, and we almost got busted, so now our other daughter Treble handles our finances.
Treble: Hi, I’m T-Treble uh... 23 …I’m uh…Cecil…Cecilia’s sister… she uh…she’s an… she drinks too much… too much is bad for you…just look at me… back when Bass so-sold PCP my boy-boyfriend Johnny would b-buy some and make me t-take it… they say I went crazy…but I know the t-truth…and it haunts me… (SHE BEGINS SCREAMING AND LOOKING AROUND FRANTICALLY, SHE TAKES OFF VARIOUS OBJECTS I.E BRACELETS, JACKET, HAIR TIE, SHIRT ETC. AND THROWS THEM AT AN UNSEEN OBJECT OFF stage) DIE FETUS DIE!!!!!!
Bass: Yeah, my other sister’s pretty bad too, Treble? Ever since she went crazy from all the PCP she was doing she keeps being haunted by the ghost of the fetus she thinks her ex-boyfriend Johnny made her get rid of… but like, she was never pregnant ya know?
Treble: (STILL SHOUTING AND FREAKING OUT) Die you stupid fetus! You stood in the way of my singing career! I was gonna be the next Selina, or Celine, or Cher!
TONY: Yeah, we totally banged(LONG PAUSE)
CECILIA: Why do I have my clothes on?
TONY: You wanted Carne Asada Fries.
CECILIA: Did I get them?
TONY: Yeah…
CECILIA: Awesome… Is that your water bottle of wine, or mine?
LUIGI: Cecilia used to be such a good girl, she never drank, or did drugs really, she helped her brother sell shit to the kids at school, but she never got high off her own shit, that’s rule number one!
MEREDITH: She was always so good about that, she also used to help us by finding unpopular girls that no one would miss, she even helped chloroform a couple of them.
TREBLE: Cecilia probably started drinking when she got out of high-high school and uh… Ba-Bass used her acceptance letter from Yale to roll a coupla joints… yeah when her d-dreams started dying…
BASS: To be fair, we were out of rolling papers and I was pretty stoned already… but yeah, that’s prolly when she started drinkin, it used to be like just 8-9 shots a day, now it’s like 4-5 bottles a day! Not including mimosas in the morning, and her night cap before bed. I think this intervention will be real good for her, cause then she can go back to running all the family errands and business and stuff… and maybe even go to community college and become like a astrophysicist or something ya know?
MEREDITH: I want my baby back!
LUIGI: I’m tired of hiding my booze!
TREBLE: I want my little sister back! (SHE LISTENS AND BECOMES ATTENTIVE)Did you hear that? No…oh…ok, me neither…
(LOOKS AROUND)
CHRIS MAUTNER: Chris Mautner, Intervention mediator Now remember everyone, you have to show her compassion and love, but have a firm hand. She needs to see that you all care about her, but that you will not stand for her lifestyle any longer.
LUIGI: And that she needs to go back to doing all that stuff she was doing before. so when would she be good to go back to work? cause we got one down there ready to pop!
CHRIS: What? What are you talking about?
LUIGI: Uh...nothing, so with this intervention she'll be clean and good to do manual labor like tomorrow right?
CHRIS: what? No, she will be in rehab for at least a few months.
MEREDITH: What!? Who's paying for that? How long will she be out of commission?
CHRIS: This is your daughter your talking about, not a car, you are doing this to help her get clean, remember, it doesn't matter how long it takes, what matters is that she stops her substance abuse.
BASS: You may not care how long it takes, but if we don't bribe the mayor on time this month he'll shut us down!
CHRIS: What?
LUIGI: Long story short, baby farm...Oh here she comes!
MARBLES:(YELLING) Intervention!
CECILIA: What? You gotta be fucking me with out a condom.
CHRIS: Cecilia, your family is here because they all love you and would like to talk to you about your drinking. Treble, why don't you start?
CECILIA: Oh save it, she is just gonna freak out in a minute. I can't believe you people! You have the gall to give me an intervention, you're the reason I drink! You make me do these awful things! Kidnap girls from school, deliver their babies, feed them, sell the babies, sell drugs, sell drugs with the babies, make me listen to your prattling on and on about the newest catch, these are human lives your playing with! With mine! But your fine, Bass you make money off the addictions of others, you dropped out of school content with this drug life, you ruined Treble's life with your drugs! Treble, you were never pregnant! Johnny made you stop sucking your god damned thumb, you are still a virgin you idiot! And you two! You are the worst, you let all this go on in your house, and you do much worse, and you drag me into it, I have seen horrors that should not be common place to anyone! I drink to get the screams of the girls you keep in the basement out of my head, to keep away my own phantom fetus, to kill any thoughts I have of killing all of you, of blowing up the meth lab in the basement, to stop myself from turning you all in. it is the only thing keeping me from going off the deep end, let me have that at least jesus christ! You people are insane!
LUIGI: Well maybe if you could hold your booze better! And could still do all the family business things then we wouldn't have to have an intervention for you!
CECILIA: What? Is that what this is about? You want me to be a better slave!? You don't care about me, even in making me better you have your own selfish intentions!? You know what? Got to hell all of you! Don't say a damn thing! I'm outta here, you, mediator-
CHRIS: Chris Mautner
CECILIA: I don't care what your name is, just give me the damn ticket to rehab, later boners!
Luigi: so... what... she'll be back in like a week?
Chris: Cecilia Marble went to rehab and after three months she got out sober and decided to move to another country, she turned in her family and they were tried for crimes against humanity.
Luigi and Meridith were lynched by a mob of parents on their way to be executed by the state.
Bass was sent to prison for life, where he was savagely raped by a man he thought he saw.
And Treble was sent to an insane asylum for the criminally insane where she has learned to cope with her phantom fetus, she has named it Stevie.
Cecilia now lives on the beaches of Spain, she has been mostly sober for six months and claims to have lost the rest of her virginity to her husband Tony.
A stage, there are four stools, 2 stage left and 2 stage right , in which sit Meredith, Luigi, Bass and Treble Marble. Center to upper center is the bedroom of Cecilia. Each character addresses the audience, the only two characters who are addressing at the same time are Meredith and Luigi, all the characters act as though they are being interviewed, except Cecilia who is between interview and life. Her alarm sounds and she wakes up, and sees the audience.
Cecilia: Oh hi, I didn't see you there, my name's Cecilia marble, I’m 20 years old, a Christian, O blood type, High School graduate, B cup, I still have all my teeth, and am a Partial Virgin (She throws up into a bucket loudly, her phone rings, she answers it) Hi Mom... Sorry, I'll try to be quieter. (She throws up again and drops her phone into the bucket, only pulling it out when she is done vomiting) was that too loud? Well turn up the damn tv! (She hangs up and sits up, composing herself) I have 20/20 vision, I like walks on the beach, sunny days, rainy days, sometimes cloudy days, people say I'm too nice sometimes. (She takes a swig of a vodka handle)and, I'm an alcoholic.
Meredith: Meredith Marble, 48. Our daughter Cecilia is a wonderful young woman, she is the kind of girl that all the guys want to talk to and all the girls want to be friends with, she was on the honor roll and was even the manager of our local Hollywood Video
Luigi: Luigi marble, 50. But recently our daughter has become more and more distant and is at home less and less. Last week she didn’t come home for three days!
Meredith: And when I asked her where she was she told me to…to… (SHE BEGINS TO CRY)
Luigi: LUIGI: She told my wife to shut her whore mouth.
(MEREDITH CRIES LOUDER)
BASS: Bass Marble 25, Yeah Cecilia’s drinking has gotten out of control recently , and she always drinks hard shit too ya know? Every time I see her she’s got a new bottle in her hand, and it’s pretty bad, cause she can’t hold her liquor ‘n stuff, she’s always puking everywhere and she can’t even clean it up ya know? Also she gets pretty mean when she drinks, the other day she told my Mom to shut her whore mouth.
Her alarm goes off again
Cecilia: Mother fuck... I wish someone could tell me how to just once wake up without a splitting headache.
Tony: (From under her covers he just appears) you could drink less
Cecilia: Oh shit! Who are you?
Tony: Tony, we met at the bar last night?
Cecilia: Did we bang?
Meredith: Oh god my baby! What happened to my Baby?!!!
Luigi: Just two years ago she was helping us deliver babies, that’s part of what we do, see we own and operate a baby farm out of our basement, we find young women nobody will miss and impregnate them, Cecilia would help deliver the babies, which we would sell to deserving Lesbian couples for a cool coupla Mill. It’s a family business! But one time Cecilia puked all over one of the babies, luckily it was mostly alcohol and chicken strips.
Meredith: Cecilia also used to be our accountant and made sure we always had a good amount of money in the bank, she kept everything on the up and up. But her drinking almost landed us in hot water once, about six months ago she got wasted and forgot to bribe the mayor, and we almost got busted, so now our other daughter Treble handles our finances.
Treble: Hi, I’m T-Treble uh... 23 …I’m uh…Cecil…Cecilia’s sister… she uh…she’s an… she drinks too much… too much is bad for you…just look at me… back when Bass so-sold PCP my boy-boyfriend Johnny would b-buy some and make me t-take it… they say I went crazy…but I know the t-truth…and it haunts me… (SHE BEGINS SCREAMING AND LOOKING AROUND FRANTICALLY, SHE TAKES OFF VARIOUS OBJECTS I.E BRACELETS, JACKET, HAIR TIE, SHIRT ETC. AND THROWS THEM AT AN UNSEEN OBJECT OFF stage) DIE FETUS DIE!!!!!!
Bass: Yeah, my other sister’s pretty bad too, Treble? Ever since she went crazy from all the PCP she was doing she keeps being haunted by the ghost of the fetus she thinks her ex-boyfriend Johnny made her get rid of… but like, she was never pregnant ya know?
Treble: (STILL SHOUTING AND FREAKING OUT) Die you stupid fetus! You stood in the way of my singing career! I was gonna be the next Selina, or Celine, or Cher!
TONY: Yeah, we totally banged(LONG PAUSE)
CECILIA: Why do I have my clothes on?
TONY: You wanted Carne Asada Fries.
CECILIA: Did I get them?
TONY: Yeah…
CECILIA: Awesome… Is that your water bottle of wine, or mine?
LUIGI: Cecilia used to be such a good girl, she never drank, or did drugs really, she helped her brother sell shit to the kids at school, but she never got high off her own shit, that’s rule number one!
MEREDITH: She was always so good about that, she also used to help us by finding unpopular girls that no one would miss, she even helped chloroform a couple of them.
TREBLE: Cecilia probably started drinking when she got out of high-high school and uh… Ba-Bass used her acceptance letter from Yale to roll a coupla joints… yeah when her d-dreams started dying…
BASS: To be fair, we were out of rolling papers and I was pretty stoned already… but yeah, that’s prolly when she started drinkin, it used to be like just 8-9 shots a day, now it’s like 4-5 bottles a day! Not including mimosas in the morning, and her night cap before bed. I think this intervention will be real good for her, cause then she can go back to running all the family errands and business and stuff… and maybe even go to community college and become like a astrophysicist or something ya know?
MEREDITH: I want my baby back!
LUIGI: I’m tired of hiding my booze!
TREBLE: I want my little sister back! (SHE LISTENS AND BECOMES ATTENTIVE)Did you hear that? No…oh…ok, me neither…
(LOOKS AROUND)
CHRIS MAUTNER: Chris Mautner, Intervention mediator Now remember everyone, you have to show her compassion and love, but have a firm hand. She needs to see that you all care about her, but that you will not stand for her lifestyle any longer.
LUIGI: And that she needs to go back to doing all that stuff she was doing before. so when would she be good to go back to work? cause we got one down there ready to pop!
CHRIS: What? What are you talking about?
LUIGI: Uh...nothing, so with this intervention she'll be clean and good to do manual labor like tomorrow right?
CHRIS: what? No, she will be in rehab for at least a few months.
MEREDITH: What!? Who's paying for that? How long will she be out of commission?
CHRIS: This is your daughter your talking about, not a car, you are doing this to help her get clean, remember, it doesn't matter how long it takes, what matters is that she stops her substance abuse.
BASS: You may not care how long it takes, but if we don't bribe the mayor on time this month he'll shut us down!
CHRIS: What?
LUIGI: Long story short, baby farm...Oh here she comes!
MARBLES:(YELLING) Intervention!
CECILIA: What? You gotta be fucking me with out a condom.
CHRIS: Cecilia, your family is here because they all love you and would like to talk to you about your drinking. Treble, why don't you start?
CECILIA: Oh save it, she is just gonna freak out in a minute. I can't believe you people! You have the gall to give me an intervention, you're the reason I drink! You make me do these awful things! Kidnap girls from school, deliver their babies, feed them, sell the babies, sell drugs, sell drugs with the babies, make me listen to your prattling on and on about the newest catch, these are human lives your playing with! With mine! But your fine, Bass you make money off the addictions of others, you dropped out of school content with this drug life, you ruined Treble's life with your drugs! Treble, you were never pregnant! Johnny made you stop sucking your god damned thumb, you are still a virgin you idiot! And you two! You are the worst, you let all this go on in your house, and you do much worse, and you drag me into it, I have seen horrors that should not be common place to anyone! I drink to get the screams of the girls you keep in the basement out of my head, to keep away my own phantom fetus, to kill any thoughts I have of killing all of you, of blowing up the meth lab in the basement, to stop myself from turning you all in. it is the only thing keeping me from going off the deep end, let me have that at least jesus christ! You people are insane!
LUIGI: Well maybe if you could hold your booze better! And could still do all the family business things then we wouldn't have to have an intervention for you!
CECILIA: What? Is that what this is about? You want me to be a better slave!? You don't care about me, even in making me better you have your own selfish intentions!? You know what? Got to hell all of you! Don't say a damn thing! I'm outta here, you, mediator-
CHRIS: Chris Mautner
CECILIA: I don't care what your name is, just give me the damn ticket to rehab, later boners!
Luigi: so... what... she'll be back in like a week?
Chris: Cecilia Marble went to rehab and after three months she got out sober and decided to move to another country, she turned in her family and they were tried for crimes against humanity.
Luigi and Meridith were lynched by a mob of parents on their way to be executed by the state.
Bass was sent to prison for life, where he was savagely raped by a man he thought he saw.
And Treble was sent to an insane asylum for the criminally insane where she has learned to cope with her phantom fetus, she has named it Stevie.
Cecilia now lives on the beaches of Spain, she has been mostly sober for six months and claims to have lost the rest of her virginity to her husband Tony.
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