This was our longest Skit that night, i think around 15 minutes, this actually started out as a documentary style short film, I guess it would be a Mockumentary? Anyway I thought it would work for the stage just as well, it seemed really simple seeing as how there wasn't much action going on at first. For those of you familiar with Pink Flamingos you will probably spot the uh homage (Is that right?)
A stage, there are four stools, 2 stage left and 2 stage right , in which sit Meredith, Luigi, Bass and Treble Marble. Center to upper center is the bedroom of Cecilia. Each character addresses the audience, the only two characters who are addressing at the same time are Meredith and Luigi, all the characters act as though they are being interviewed, except Cecilia who is between interview and life. Her alarm sounds and she wakes up, and sees the audience.
Cecilia: Oh hi, I didn't see you there, my name's Cecilia marble, I’m 20 years old, a Christian, O blood type, High School graduate, B cup, I still have all my teeth, and am a Partial Virgin (She throws up into a bucket loudly, her phone rings, she answers it) Hi Mom... Sorry, I'll try to be quieter. (She throws up again and drops her phone into the bucket, only pulling it out when she is done vomiting) was that too loud? Well turn up the damn tv! (She hangs up and sits up, composing herself) I have 20/20 vision, I like walks on the beach, sunny days, rainy days, sometimes cloudy days, people say I'm too nice sometimes. (She takes a swig of a vodka handle)and, I'm an alcoholic.
Meredith: Meredith Marble, 48. Our daughter Cecilia is a wonderful young woman, she is the kind of girl that all the guys want to talk to and all the girls want to be friends with, she was on the honor roll and was even the manager of our local Hollywood Video
Luigi: Luigi marble, 50. But recently our daughter has become more and more distant and is at home less and less. Last week she didn’t come home for three days!
Meredith: And when I asked her where she was she told me to…to… (SHE BEGINS TO CRY)
Luigi: LUIGI: She told my wife to shut her whore mouth.
(MEREDITH CRIES LOUDER)
BASS: Bass Marble 25, Yeah Cecilia’s drinking has gotten out of control recently , and she always drinks hard shit too ya know? Every time I see her she’s got a new bottle in her hand, and it’s pretty bad, cause she can’t hold her liquor ‘n stuff, she’s always puking everywhere and she can’t even clean it up ya know? Also she gets pretty mean when she drinks, the other day she told my Mom to shut her whore mouth.
Her alarm goes off again
Cecilia: Mother fuck... I wish someone could tell me how to just once wake up without a splitting headache.
Tony: (From under her covers he just appears) you could drink less
Cecilia: Oh shit! Who are you?
Tony: Tony, we met at the bar last night?
Cecilia: Did we bang?
Meredith: Oh god my baby! What happened to my Baby?!!!
Luigi: Just two years ago she was helping us deliver babies, that’s part of what we do, see we own and operate a baby farm out of our basement, we find young women nobody will miss and impregnate them, Cecilia would help deliver the babies, which we would sell to deserving Lesbian couples for a cool coupla Mill. It’s a family business! But one time Cecilia puked all over one of the babies, luckily it was mostly alcohol and chicken strips.
Meredith: Cecilia also used to be our accountant and made sure we always had a good amount of money in the bank, she kept everything on the up and up. But her drinking almost landed us in hot water once, about six months ago she got wasted and forgot to bribe the mayor, and we almost got busted, so now our other daughter Treble handles our finances.
Treble: Hi, I’m T-Treble uh... 23 …I’m uh…Cecil…Cecilia’s sister… she uh…she’s an… she drinks too much… too much is bad for you…just look at me… back when Bass so-sold PCP my boy-boyfriend Johnny would b-buy some and make me t-take it… they say I went crazy…but I know the t-truth…and it haunts me… (SHE BEGINS SCREAMING AND LOOKING AROUND FRANTICALLY, SHE TAKES OFF VARIOUS OBJECTS I.E BRACELETS, JACKET, HAIR TIE, SHIRT ETC. AND THROWS THEM AT AN UNSEEN OBJECT OFF stage) DIE FETUS DIE!!!!!!
Bass: Yeah, my other sister’s pretty bad too, Treble? Ever since she went crazy from all the PCP she was doing she keeps being haunted by the ghost of the fetus she thinks her ex-boyfriend Johnny made her get rid of… but like, she was never pregnant ya know?
Treble: (STILL SHOUTING AND FREAKING OUT) Die you stupid fetus! You stood in the way of my singing career! I was gonna be the next Selina, or Celine, or Cher!
TONY: Yeah, we totally banged(LONG PAUSE)
CECILIA: Why do I have my clothes on?
TONY: You wanted Carne Asada Fries.
CECILIA: Did I get them?
TONY: Yeah…
CECILIA: Awesome… Is that your water bottle of wine, or mine?
LUIGI: Cecilia used to be such a good girl, she never drank, or did drugs really, she helped her brother sell shit to the kids at school, but she never got high off her own shit, that’s rule number one!
MEREDITH: She was always so good about that, she also used to help us by finding unpopular girls that no one would miss, she even helped chloroform a couple of them.
TREBLE: Cecilia probably started drinking when she got out of high-high school and uh… Ba-Bass used her acceptance letter from Yale to roll a coupla joints… yeah when her d-dreams started dying…
BASS: To be fair, we were out of rolling papers and I was pretty stoned already… but yeah, that’s prolly when she started drinkin, it used to be like just 8-9 shots a day, now it’s like 4-5 bottles a day! Not including mimosas in the morning, and her night cap before bed. I think this intervention will be real good for her, cause then she can go back to running all the family errands and business and stuff… and maybe even go to community college and become like a astrophysicist or something ya know?
MEREDITH: I want my baby back!
LUIGI: I’m tired of hiding my booze!
TREBLE: I want my little sister back! (SHE LISTENS AND BECOMES ATTENTIVE)Did you hear that? No…oh…ok, me neither…
(LOOKS AROUND)
CHRIS MAUTNER: Chris Mautner, Intervention mediator Now remember everyone, you have to show her compassion and love, but have a firm hand. She needs to see that you all care about her, but that you will not stand for her lifestyle any longer.
LUIGI: And that she needs to go back to doing all that stuff she was doing before. so when would she be good to go back to work? cause we got one down there ready to pop!
CHRIS: What? What are you talking about?
LUIGI: Uh...nothing, so with this intervention she'll be clean and good to do manual labor like tomorrow right?
CHRIS: what? No, she will be in rehab for at least a few months.
MEREDITH: What!? Who's paying for that? How long will she be out of commission?
CHRIS: This is your daughter your talking about, not a car, you are doing this to help her get clean, remember, it doesn't matter how long it takes, what matters is that she stops her substance abuse.
BASS: You may not care how long it takes, but if we don't bribe the mayor on time this month he'll shut us down!
CHRIS: What?
LUIGI: Long story short, baby farm...Oh here she comes!
MARBLES:(YELLING) Intervention!
CECILIA: What? You gotta be fucking me with out a condom.
CHRIS: Cecilia, your family is here because they all love you and would like to talk to you about your drinking. Treble, why don't you start?
CECILIA: Oh save it, she is just gonna freak out in a minute. I can't believe you people! You have the gall to give me an intervention, you're the reason I drink! You make me do these awful things! Kidnap girls from school, deliver their babies, feed them, sell the babies, sell drugs, sell drugs with the babies, make me listen to your prattling on and on about the newest catch, these are human lives your playing with! With mine! But your fine, Bass you make money off the addictions of others, you dropped out of school content with this drug life, you ruined Treble's life with your drugs! Treble, you were never pregnant! Johnny made you stop sucking your god damned thumb, you are still a virgin you idiot! And you two! You are the worst, you let all this go on in your house, and you do much worse, and you drag me into it, I have seen horrors that should not be common place to anyone! I drink to get the screams of the girls you keep in the basement out of my head, to keep away my own phantom fetus, to kill any thoughts I have of killing all of you, of blowing up the meth lab in the basement, to stop myself from turning you all in. it is the only thing keeping me from going off the deep end, let me have that at least jesus christ! You people are insane!
LUIGI: Well maybe if you could hold your booze better! And could still do all the family business things then we wouldn't have to have an intervention for you!
CECILIA: What? Is that what this is about? You want me to be a better slave!? You don't care about me, even in making me better you have your own selfish intentions!? You know what? Got to hell all of you! Don't say a damn thing! I'm outta here, you, mediator-
CHRIS: Chris Mautner
CECILIA: I don't care what your name is, just give me the damn ticket to rehab, later boners!
Luigi: so... what... she'll be back in like a week?
Chris: Cecilia Marble went to rehab and after three months she got out sober and decided to move to another country, she turned in her family and they were tried for crimes against humanity.
Luigi and Meridith were lynched by a mob of parents on their way to be executed by the state.
Bass was sent to prison for life, where he was savagely raped by a man he thought he saw.
And Treble was sent to an insane asylum for the criminally insane where she has learned to cope with her phantom fetus, she has named it Stevie.
Cecilia now lives on the beaches of Spain, she has been mostly sober for six months and claims to have lost the rest of her virginity to her husband Tony.
No comments:
Post a Comment