NWF #5 Two Friends at a Coffee Shop

Here is a new script, I've been working on it for a coupla hours. not really sure if it is self contained or part of something larger yet. enjoy

Two friends, a coffee shop, nothing fancy, maybe it's a cold day, maybe it's night time. Some holiday music, something from the Peanuts. Art is sitting at a table, drinking from a mug. There is a present sitting at his feet, a wrapped box, he is waiting for someone. Jerry enters and sees Art, he too has a present, a gift bag. He approaches Art as Art sees him. The two don't seem to be from the same circle of the world. Everything Art is wearing seems to be, or is, second hand, he wears a jacket that has patches, he has the look of someone who rushed to be ready for the day, a bit over weight, messy hair. Jerry is fit and trim, his clothes are worth more than Art's entire closet. They all have some designer's name on them. He wears a hat clearly made for a younger person, his face is smooth and clean, he probably smells good even.

Art: Hey Jerry! Merry Christmas!

Jerry: Art! Merry Christmas to you too, here, for you.

Art: And for you

They exchange gifts, Jerry shakes his, Art tries to guess the weight of his

Art: So, how have you been? I can't believe it's been a year already

Jerry: I know right? It's crazy. I'm doing great, I've gotten tenure at the University, my kids, they grow up so fast don't they? Are doing crazy good, my oldest, Gina? Valedictorian, Bobby, the middle one? He's drum major of the marching band, and my little Tanner got the highest test scores in the county.

Art: Wow, that's great, I remember when they were all so small, that's crazy.

Jerry: Yeah, oh, and of course Greg is doing great, his real estate business is booming, honestly this year has just been amazing for me and my family. I mean sure, we had a rough patch around May, Gina couldn't decide on which college to attend her dad wanted her to go to Harvard, but I said Princeton, she's not a Lesbian for christ's sake.

Art: uh, sure.

Jerry: And what about you? I've haven't seen you in a year, anybody new in your life? Any new guys?

Art: oh, no, no, still single, ha! Yeah I really don't need a guy right now. All the ones I meet are too concerned with getting off then getting out. But I'm good, doing my thing, putting on shows, working to keep the Theater alive. You know, same old same old.

Jerry: Still writing?

Art: Don't say it like that

Jerry: Like what?

Art: Like that, “Still writing?” like it's this unheard of thing that no one ever did, do why do it?

Jerry: I didn't say it like that. Sure, sometimes I do get a little worried about your choices, I mean I don't really get theater, but you seem to, so why not. I'm sorry I didn't mean anything by it.

Art: No, I'm sorry, these past few weeks have just been a little crazy, you know the holidays, time with the family, and you know my family.

Jerry: yeah, what happened?

Art: Oh, the usual, my parents have no faith in me. My Mom tries to, but I think she's been running on low for awhile now, my Dad, well he's told me that I should quit more times then I can remember. He's not too keen on the Theater, even though I've been doing it for what, ten years now? I mean I'm fine, I live within my means, theater makes me happy, I like doing it, I like putting on plays and being a part of a creative team.

Jerry: But you complain so much

Art: Oh come on, who doesn't complain about their work? I'm sure some of your students are little shit bags.

Jerry: No, they are all amazing, I really luck out when I get my classes, everyone's a model citizen.

Art: I'm sure. I try to not let my Dad get to me, but there is this stupid little voice he put in my head that tells me I'll fail eventually, so I should just give up and find a “real job” plus he keeps asking me when he'll see some grandkids from me, why he's already got 3 and he knows I'm gay so what's the point in asking. I'm not knockin some chick up just to make you happy, I can't find a Gay guy who I can stand for that long, let alone bring a kid into this world. Not to mention my damn neighbor with her damn cats!

Jerry: Sorry

Art: For what?

Jerry: I didn't know all that was going on, I'm sorry to hear that.

Art: Eh, don't worry about it, it's not like you had any part in it.

Jerry: But I'm sure hearing about how great things are for me isn't helping, I hope it didn't upset you?

Art: What? Why would that upset me?

Jerry: Well, it's just that everything is going so great for me I didn't want you to think I was rubbing it in.

Art: What? No, it's fine, I'm glad you are doing great, you were always so lucky, everything just sort of came naturally for you.

Jerry: What is that supposed to mean?

Art: Nothing, Jerry, you were always lucky, just forget about it. Let's open our presents, ok?

Jerry ponders on what Art could have meant, while Art pulls out a sweater vest from the bag

Art: Oh, shit! Look at this, nice!

Jerry: I remembered that you used to like sweater vests, and when I saw it I knew you'd like it.

Art: Aw thanks Jerry, that's nice, I'm surprised they had my size

Jerry: Funny you should mention that, they didn't. (So excited) So, I had it special ordered, just for you!

Art: Great, that's awesome Jerry...

Jerry: Do you like it?

Art: Yeah, of course

Jerry: But?

Art: What? No, but

Jerry: Art, there is always a but with you. Either it's the wrong size, the fabric I keep forgetting your allergic to-

Art: Polyester

Jerry: -or I've already gotten it for you, oh shit.

Art takes off his jacket and reveals the exact same Sweater vest

Art: Really Jerry, it's fine, I love it. See? I'll totally wear it

Jerry: When did I get you that?

Art: Five years ago, three years ago, and last year. But, hey I wear them all, they are the nicest things I own, next to those four ties you gave me.

Jerry: Shit, I'm sorry

Art: No, no, it's fine. Now open my gift.

Jerry opens his gift, it's a snow globe with a little house in it, he stares at it disappointedly

Jerry: Oh, how.. cute

Art: You don't get it do you?

Jerry: Get what?

Art: The gift, the house in the snow globe, look at it, really look at it.

Jerry: It's a house with two little people out front waving, it's great I love it.

Art: Jerry, stop, you don't get it

Jerry: What's to get? It's cute it's Christmas, thanks.

Art: Jerry, does that house look familiar at all to you?

Jerry: No, should it?

Art: Seriously?

Jerry: What?

Art: That house, it's the house you grew up in, those two little people are you and me, remember that picture we took? I made it into a snow globe, I made the little house and the figures.

Jerry: What? I don't remember this house, or the picture.

Art: Really look at it.

Jerry: That's supposed to be us? I mean I guess the house looks sort of familiar..

Art: Come on, we spent like five years hanging out and causing trouble at that house, it's where you lived before your parents split up.

Jerry: My parents never split up

Art: Yeah they did, remember? When we were in middle school? Your dad remarried a couple years later, remember?

Jerry: No, I don't remember any of that. (He starts shaking)

Art: Jerry, are you ok?

Jerry: Yeah, I'm fine. Art, why did you do this?

Art: I thought it would be a nice gift, we had a lot of good times at that house, I didn't know you had forgotten all that stuff with your parents .

Jerry: I didn't forget, my parents never got a divorce, I don't know what you're talking about.

Art: Jerry, are you sure you're ok?

Jerry: I'm fine, I just- I gotta go. (he gets up to leave)

Art: Jerry, don't go, sit down, I'm sorry I made you upset I didn't mean to. Why don't you tell me more about your kids?

Jerry: No, I don't need to sit here and talk to a black hole, that's what you are Art, a black hole, you take everything good and you suck it all up. I know you hate my family, we're all too happy for you, you want us to be depressed like you, for one reason or another. That's why you made this isn't it? To make me upset? Why do you have to ruin everything, can't you just let people be happy?

Art: Jerry, I honestly didn't know that this would make you upset, I like your family, they're good people, Jerry I'm sorry if I complain about my life, but that is a part of life, life can suck, I didn't know you felt this way-

Jerry: Well how could you? You were always too busy telling me about the shit in your life, too busy with all your filth to think for even a second that some of us choose to be happy.

Art: Is that what you call it? A choice? You're choosing to be happy? Jerry, come one. It doesn't work like that, you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. What you chose was to ignore anything negative in your life, you took away a part of the human experience, pain and misery exist, just because you ignore them doesn't mean you've chosen happiness, it means you've lost a part of who you are. Bad things happen, I chose to deal with them head on, learn from them and to keep going, you act as though nothing bad ever happened to anyone ever, all out of fear, you can't deal with who you were, so you pretend he never existed.

Jerry: Something bad did happen in my life Art. You. (Exits)

END

Chapter 4: In My Solitude

Here is a new chapter, I hope you like it! (There may be spelling errors, I am too tired to fix them at the moment, I had to wake up early for a job interview, but I am sure it is very readable still)


4. July 23rd, 2140. Grey City

Val watched as the lights went out inside the bar, she was worried. Red had barely walked in and now the doors were closed the lights were off. Crash! the sound of glass breaking, a fight? She needed to get in there and find Red. She knew that if she didn't act now she might lose Red and the Sapphire, her Sapphire, a gift to her late husband, Hex Achord. The fool had turned it into one of the twelve stones, and before he left he had disabled them, and broken the Sapphire, he gave her a piece and took the rest with him. She wanted it back, it was hers, she didn't care about the rest of them, in fact she had made duplicates and fakes, just to throw anyone off the trail of the original twelve. Her Violet stone was easily duplicated, she'd given out two today already. She heard yelling, there was an angry voice "I told you to wait until he gave us no choice, what if you hurt him you idiot?" It was that large man in the Blue suit from Red's attic. Great, now I have to deal with this ass hole. She thought, but then the doors to Rosten's opened, it was the man in the Blue suit, he was carrying Red out of the bar. She watched as he came out followed by a woman and two men, they all had guns, she had her weapon, but she was outnumbered. She decided to follow them instead, to wait for the perfect moment to get to Red.

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July 25th, 2140

James' eyes slowly opened, he felt like he'd been hit by a car, What happened? Then he remembered the bar and Bass Clef's appearance and then... well not much, someone must have hit him from behind. He looked around the room, it was a very nice room, painted blue like a sky, with clouds an everything, he was in a bed, much softer then his own which was now ruined, the blankets, sheets, and pillows had this sky motif going on as well. The windows had bars on them, there was a television set in the left corner, an alarm clock above it, there was a bathroom connected to the room he was in and a door on the right wall. The closet was full of clothes, a few suits, some casual wear and a cops uniform, they were all made for a larger man, This must be Clef's room. He tried to stand up but found that his left leg was tied to the bed post. He wondered how long he'd been unconscious and where he was, this was all too nice for Gray City. He looked over to the night stand next to the bed, a glass of water and a get well card. Gee thanks Bass. It read "Dear Brian Holve, get well soon, thank you for your bravery. Sincerely the people of  Wallace St, Blue Stone. Section S, North West District." Well, guess it's not for me, is that your real name? Brian? oh crap! Am I in Blue Stone? I gotta get outta here. James began to panic, he tried to pull his leg free, tried to untie the knot, he even knocked the bed over and dragged it to the door, he was going to take it with him if he had to, although a man dragging a bed attached to his foot would probably get him noticed more than he would like. The door was locked, he went into the bathroom, hoping to find a razor, with a beard like his Bass/Brian was sure to have a razor, he could cut himself free from the bed and figure something out from there. He entered the bathroom and saw a tooth brush, lotions, soaps and an electric razor, Electric? come on, who uses an electric razor? (People who have money and time to shave James) Shut up. He was in no mood for his own logic. He tried to go back out to the room, only to find that the bed was stuck in the door way. he had gotten himself stuck in the bathroom. Great... Just then he heard footsteps coming towards his room. "James, are you up?" It was Bass, he was opening the door, "We were a little worried, you weren't waking up-" He tried to open the door, but it was getting stuck up against the bed that James had gotten stuck in the bathroom door way. "James, what is in front of the door? What are you doing?" James yelled from the bathroom, "Uh, I kinda got the bed stuck in the uh doorway here to the bathroom" Classic Me He thought.
"James if you had to use the bathroom you could have called one of us"
"Why was I tied to the bed? I thought you just wanted to talk?"
"James we both know that you would have tried to escape, in fact I'm sure that's what you were doing in the bathroom, just stand back, I'm gonna force the bed out of the way."
There was a loud crash as Bass rammed the door, sending the bed flying into the bathroom, "Are you ok?" he yelled in to James, "Peachy" was his muffled response, he was trapped up against the mattress and the sink. Bass pulled the bed out of the door way, and James with it. He locked the door and sat next to James on the bed.
"So, how is your head?"
James was wary, this guy seemed completely different from the Bass he had met in his attic, the man who broke down his door, who was in a shoot out with that Muerta. "Uh, it's fine, what happened?" he asked.
"Brian hit you with a bottle and you passed out, then we brought you back here."
"You mean the other Brian?"
"Ah, so you saw my get well card?"
"And your clothes, is this your place?"
"Yeah, I tried to make it as much like home as possible"
"So we're not in Blue Stone?" James was relieved.
"No, we're still in Grey City, but I am from Blue Stone, I transferred here a few years ago."
"Wait, so your a cop?"
"Yeah, kinda funny huh?"
"No, not really, why go through all this shady stuff? Have me be watched by the people at the bar, were they all on your payroll? The Stable Boy, The Painter and the Whore?"
"She wasn't really a whore, she was a friend."
"Was?"
"Yeah, we got attacked on the way here, by that Muerta who caused the shoot out in your office, she got Brian and Karen, her Muerto weapon killed them instantly. They died protecting you, so I would really appreciate it if you made this easy on me and just answered all my questions."
Shit, they died protecting me? Why? They hardly knew me, and I thought I hardly knew them, turns out I didn't know anything. "Look, Brian, I don't know what's going on, I don't know how to find the stones, I can't help you and I am very sorry about your friends, I'm sure they were great people-"
"James, don't do this, to yourself or me, I know you are hiding things, you spent a lot of time with Hex Achord before he disappeared, you have to know something, he gave you that Sapphire."
Oh shit! The Sapphire, where is it? He began to frantically search around him, he hadn't even thought about his belongings, his clothes and shoes were gone, he was wearing his undershirt and his boxers, and the Sapphire was in his coat. "I have all of your things in the next room, I need to know that you can be trusted before I give you your things back. Now, tell me what you know."
"I don't know anything"
"James, please I don't want to have to resort to violence, I like you James, you seem like an ok kid, what are you, 27?"
"Kid? You can't be that much older than me."
"I wouldn't worry too much about it, now, tell me what you know"
"I don't-" Before James could finish Brian had punched him in the face, knocking him to the ground. James was hit so hard the bed fell with him. "And that was just a warning James, now, tell me what you know" James didn't have time to breathe, let alone think of a response, before Brian kicked him in his gut. Fuck, this guy is strong. Brian picked James up off the floor and threw him up against the window and it's bars, he could feel the steel pressing into his skin. "James, I'm waiting for an answer." he said in a calm voice, this man wasn't even breaking a sweat. "You're a cop?" James got out before Brian sent a right into his gut, knocking the wind out of him. "Not the answer I'm looking for James."
James gathered as much air as he could and started "What don't you understand? I don't know anything, everything I know I'm sure you know, The Old Man was Hex Achord, he made the stones." "What else?" Brain said as he swung at James, who tried to shield himself, but there was nothing he could really do, this man was a beast. He flipped James onto the bed, breaking it, James saw that there was a pipe laying in the wreckage of the bed and tried to swing it at Brian, only to have him grab it and hold James up against the wall with the pipe at his neck. "What else James?" James gasped for air and started again "He left his wife Val and Violet City to come here to hide out, he disabled the Twelve Stones before coming here and he knew that people were on to him, so he gave me this chipped Sapphire before he disappeared again. I don't know what it does, I don't know how it works, all I know is that it's some sort of computer chip!" Brian released him and James fell to the floor, gasping for air and clutching his throat. "See was that so hard James? You just had to give me one piece of information, and I would have left you alone, now I am going to go check out this computer chip theory of yours and I'll be back, for your sake you better hope it's true, I really hate to hurt you James. I'll be back with some food for you later, try and get some rest won't you?" Brian left and he locked the door behind him. James regained his breathe and sat against the wall. I'm a coward, I'm sorry old timer...

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July 25th 2140, 

The Colonel sat alone in a small room he had built in the basement of his apartment building, the denizens of the building called it "The Dom" mostly because someone couldn't say "Kingdom" and it caught on. He didn't really care what it was called, it was his home, his pride and joy, and he was in charge of it. Twenty years ago The Colonel lived in the building that used to stand here, then there was a territory dispute between a Human gang called "The Memories" and an Undead gang called "The Grey City Turks" a bunch of hoodlums as far as The Colonel was concerned, even back then. The two gangs fought on this street and this building was burned down as a casualty of their war, many innocent people died because they couldn't make it out of the building alive. The Colonel saved as many as he could, but it wasn't enough, he blamed himself for their deaths and promised that he wouldn't let something like this happen again. He gathered a few men and some weapons and took to the streets of Grey City. Everyone called him the colonel, he was the leader of this army of now homeless men, who looked to this retired military man for hope and leadership. He waged a guerrilla war with these two gangs and won, but at a price. He was just as bad as many of the gang members who haunted the streets before him, he had the blood of innocents on his hands, all in the name of peace in his own neighborhood, he murdered the leader of the Memories in cold blood outside of a diner, all in the name of peace. He had brought peace to his people, and they loved him for it, he hated himself more than ever. But he would continue to lead these people until he couldn't anymore, he would provide a shelter for those who had nowhere to go, and all he asked for in return was the loyalty of his men. A colonel needed an army, and he had found his in the many disenfranchised people of Grey City. He saw himself as a modern day Robin Hood, he stole from the rich and gave to the poor, the rich made him sick, they sat two sectors away in Violet City and Gold Estates. May god help any upperclass that found themselves lost in Grey City.

The Colonel sat in his room waiting for the scan of the Violet Stone he was given by that Muerta, it was almost done. There was a knock on the door. "There were six characters, what were they searching for?" The Colonel shouted. "An Author" a voice shouted back. "And the five?" The Colonel said, "An Exit" was the response. The Colonel opened the door, it was Allen Crumb, code name Treble Clef. A loyal Zombi that had proven himself very useful. "Sir, I gave your orders to Bass and the others, they are heading here as we speak."
"Good, prepare burial rights for Karen and Brian, i want a quiet ceremony, family only, I don't want word out that two of ours were killed protecting Rojo from a Muerta, the people don't need to know the details, it would only depress them."
"Yes sir, do you really believe that Rojo is dangerous?"
"I don't know yet, but this all started around him, he's involved somehow and until I know to what capacity I want him held."
"Yes sir, Bass says he believes that Rojo is innocent, he didn't seem to know much beyond our own knowledge, and that was after spending a lot of time with Hex Achord."
"You can never be too careful Treble, I want to talk to him myself, please arrange food and water to be taken to the Laundry room" The Laundry Room was a euphemism for a pit they had made to house their war prisoners, they dug out a hole where the laundry room stood in the building before it burned down.
"Yes sir." Treble left, and The Colonel was alone in the room with his thoughts. I'm sorry Rojo, but I can't just trust you and risk everyone's lives, I've got enough blood on my hands, what's one more versus hundreds more?

NWF #4 April Fooled

new skit time! Or new short scene I guess? I dunno, gotta work out the Mr. Moral idea more. alternate title for this one is "April Fucked" whattya think? I hope this one isn't lame because of the idea behind it, I know it's been done a million times, but I hope that this plays with it enough to come across as fresh and or funny. When I presented the idea to my friend Shaun he said it sounded more like a Twilight Zone episode, but that it could be funny. So here's hoping I accomplished a little of both. When you read it I think you'll see what I'm talking about, i don't want to say it now because that's all you will think about, let me know what you think, and any suggestions. Again this is pretty much a first draft. Hope you like it!

April Fooled

Mr. Moral: April fools day, a day for practical jokes and merryment. But can the pranks on this day for jokesters go too far? People say it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. For some people it's not fun until someone loses an eye. This is the story of two friends and coworkers, Mark and Jenna, they work here in this office where their coworkers are about to play the ultimate prank on them, in our little story entitled “April Fooled” Exits

An office, 3 men, Gary, Gerry, and George, enter talking to each other about a prank that was just pulled on Gary. They wear business casual and Gary is wet.

George: Oh man, I can't believe you fell for the exploding kitten trick for a third time Gary!

Gerry: Yeah Gary you'd think that you would have learned after last years free kittens explosion.

Gary: I just wanted something to give my love to...

George: Oh whattya gonna do, cry about it?

Gary: That kitten exploded in my hand George, how did you do that, how COULD you do that?

Gerry: Actually it's my trick I make all the cats he uses, they're just strays Gary, calm down ya April Fool. They only explode with water, it's not gonna kill ya.

Gary: Well now I be wet at work for the rest of the day!

George: Oh man, it was too good, you should have seen your face when the kitten exploded! (Gary has a look of horror and sadness on his face) Yeah! Like that!

Gary: Yeah, well you'll get yours soon enough!

George: Well I can't wait! In the meantime are you guys still on for the prank we're pulling on Mark and Jenna?

Gerry: Oh yeah, Gerald says he's got something pretty great cooked up, but I think ours will be better (Giggles)

Gary: Yeah, I'm in.

George: (Looking out window) Shh! I think they're coming!

Gerry: Remember the plan!

Gary & George: Right!

They all go to their desks and start working. Mark and Jenna walk in looking flustered and disheveled

Jenna: Oh my god, you guys will not believe what just happened to us! (No response) Guys? Hello?

Mark: Gary? Gerry? George? Hello, guys! Seriously, something insane just happened to us!

Gerry starts to giggle

Jenna: Oh, dammit. Mark, it's april first

Mark: So....oh

Jenna: Yeah, this is one of their little april fools jokes, real mature guys! We had a real situation, and you guys are ignoring us?

Mark: (Yelling into Gary's ear) Hey I slept with your mom last night, she said she is disappointed in your life decisions

Jenna: Maybe not your strongest material

Gary: Did you guys hear something?

Gerry: Nope.

George: I didn't hear anything.

Jenna: Real funny dicks, seriously you won't believe what happened to us, we almost got into this huge car accident! Someone messed with our brakes!

Mark: Really!? No response? Our lives were in danger, but you guys want to stick to your little joke?

Gerry: Oh man, what is taking Mark and Jenna so long? I thought they were here, but I guess not. (Laughs)

Jenna: You and that stupid laugh. God dammit.

Gary: Come on Jenna, let's just work, soon it will all be over.

They go to their desks and start working, Gerry walks over to Mark and “Spills” some coffee on him

Gerry: Oops I spilled coffee on Mark's seat (Giggles and the other two guys join in, “oh no” “Oopsie”

Mark: Oh come on! Fine, you wanna play your little game? I'll play too!

Jenna: Mark, come on.

Mark: No Jenna, you come on!

Mark begins to give Gerry a lapdance to make him uncomfortable, but he is terrible and awkward at it, really it is more embarrassing for Mark then for Gerry.

Mark: Ignore this asshole! Oh, look at me, crazy right? I'm sexing you up.

Jenna: You are really bad at that...

Mark: Shut up, Oh what's that Gerry? You want my junk in your face? Ok

The awkward dancing continues and when Mark has his junk in the unresponsive Gerry's face, Gerald enters looking panicked.

Gerald: Gerry, George, Gary! You guys, I need your help!

Mark: Oh come on Gerald! You too? I have my balls in Gerry's face for christs sake!

Jenna: Get down Mark, you look like an idiot

Mark: Come on you guys, look at me! It's so embarrassing for Gerry right now guys

Gerald: You guys my April fools joke went horribly wrong

Gary: What happened Gerald?

Gerald: Well, I thought it would be funny to mess with Mark and Jenna's car

Mark: You dick! So it was you! We almost-

Gerald: I cut their breaks, and they got into a car accident, they're dead, I killed Mark and Jenna!

All: What!?

Gerry: Oh man...

Gary: Gerald, I don't know what to say...

George: They'll be missed...

Gerry: Mark was kinda a prude though

Gary: And Jenna was always trying to get me to do her work

George: Me too! And she wouldn't even give me some of her hair! (They look at him) What?

Gerald: You guys, I need you to hide me, I can't go to jail, I don't know what to do, I've got cats! Please, you're my only hope

Gerry, Gary and George look at each other, and give a nod in unison, yes.

Gary: Ok, Gerald, we're in. Let's go cover up the murder of our terrible coworkers (They exit)

Mark: (Calling out after them) Real funny guys, April Fools! HAHAHA Great joke! Oh man, my sides, HA! Guys... guys? Aren't they just the... They went all out this year huh? Hahaha, guys!?

They exit after them and Mr. Moral Enters

Mr. Moral: Treat your coworkers with respect, and they may not try to kill you.

END

Shots of Sketch: Night Cap: Behind the Tapestry

This was a really fun messed up skit. I wrote this for a thing called "Night of Chaos" which is the crazy night at the end of every year at SDSU in the Theater Dept. people can put on acts and performances, then they roast all the seniors and then we all party the crap outta life. This skit is a bit more raunchy because of being written for night of chaos. The skit centers around Jim Tapestry, he is a character from a different set of skits, he is the man who sells all these horrible products made by Tapestry Industries (Again, I was listening to Carol King's Tapestry haha!) there wasn't really much to him, but we all thought it would be really funny for him to be really fucked up in real life. And the idea for a "Behind the Music" type of skit was made, it took me awhile to write it, I think we had the idea during the second SoS, but I didn't write it until the end of the semester. so here it is, another Mr. Moral tale. (Oh, also it's the return of Marlon Mason from the Carol Cline Radio Show!)

Shots of Sketch: Night Cap, Behind the Tapestry

A kitchen or family room, a mother and daughter

Jim: Has this ever happened to you?
Daughter:  Mom? Do you ever feel... Unfresh?
Mom: What do you mean sweety?
Daughter:  Like... Down there?
Mom: Oh, down there?
Daughter:  Yeah
Mom: Well sure, we all have sweety, it's nothing to be embarrased about, have you tried douching?
Daughter: Yeah, but it doesn't seem to help, I've got an extra unfresh Vagina, isn't there anyone who can help?
Jim: Now there is! With Tapestry industries High Powered Feminine Cleanser, there's nothing you can't get clean!
Daughter: Even down there?
Jim: Yup, even down there!
Mom: How does it work?
Jim: Well, all you have to do is go to your local Home Depot, be at least 18 years of age, and a legal U.S. Citizen, and purchase the Tapestry Industries High Powered Feminine Cleanser. Then you simply attach it to the end of your garden hose and voila you're ready to go!
Daughter: How does it work?
Steve: (Off Stage) Cut!
Jim: What the fuck? Are you kidding me Samantha?
Samantha (Daughter): I'm sorry Mr. Tapestry
Jim: You're going to be real sorry you little cunt!
Steve: Whoa Jim, cut her some slack, she's only 12
Jim: Well where the fuck did you get her Steve? Can't Act R US?

Samantha runs off crying

Mother: You're a monster! (Exits)
Jim: You're gonna have to try harder than that sweetheart, I've heard that line read by the biggest names in hollywood!

He freezes and Mr. Moral enters

Mr. Moral: Consider if you will, one Mr. Jim Tapestry, age 32, President of Tapestry Industries inc. “Tapestry Industries, for all your needs, ever” He inherited it from his father, now he strives to make his own company, and to stop living in the shadow of his father.  But his tactics and manners have not been looked highly upon by others. Today he will fall from grace and meet a man who will change him for the better, in a story we like to call “Behind the Tapestry: The Jim Tapestry Story.”
Steve: (Entering) Jim, they've quit, what do we do now?
Jim: Find some new chicks, and make sure the little one's at least 16
Steve: Why?
Jim: Why do you think?
Steve: Jim, that's disgusting!
Jim: You ever had a 16 year old Steve?
Steve: No
Jim: Then you don't get it, don't knock it till you try it prick.  Now, go get some new actors and call me when they're good to go.
Steve: Alright (Exits)
Jim: (On phone) Hey Karen, how''s it going? Listen, you got a little something for Daddy Jim? Alright I'm heading over.

Jim enters Karen's house, a coke den, he and Karen are doing lines of Coke and listening to music

Karen: Jim, you love me baby?
Jim: Yeah, sure, whatever you say
Karen: We gonna live in a big house someday?
Jim: Yeah, yeah, as soon as I divorce my stupid wife and get rid of our three little shit stains
Karen: How romantic, all for me Jim?
Jim: or whatever
Karen: Oh Jim, then we can do all the coke we want, no one to tell us when we can or can't do it, just coke, all day, everyday. And you can go to work and sell all your crazy products
Jim: Crazy?
Karen: And I'll be at home being a good wife, cooking and cleaning and doing coke, just like when Martha Stuart was in prison.
Jim: What do you mean Crazy products?
Karen: Well, they ain't exactly the most normal or useful things Jim
Jim: Like what?
Karen: Well, who really needs a Butt Dialer Blocker? Why not just take the phone out of your pocket? Or that whole thing with the illegal aliens?
Jim: Hey Hey, the More or Less Legal Migrant Workers was going great until people started asking questions. You better be careful too Karen, asking all the questions.
Karen: I'm just saying Jim, who needs a high powered coochie washer? Don't you think that'll hurt?
Jim: It's for especially dirty ladies, ones with stuff caked on their walls
Karen: Do you even know what your talking about? Do you know what's down there on a lady?
Jim: What you tryin to say? I got a small dick?
Karen: What? No, I'm just saying maybe you need to rethink some of your products? Your Father--
Jim: My Father? My father is dead, that asshole was murdered by the Gay Mafia, apparently that's a thing now. It's my company now, so don't be telling me about my father! You know what his best seller was? Oxyclean! And Mighty fricken putty! Cheap products, he starts getting taken under by that sham wow asshole, and then BAM dead on an airplane under mysterious circumstances, the Gay Mafia, I'm tellin you Karen, so don't you tell me about my Father!
Karen: Get outta here you coke head, get the fuck out!

Back at the office, he sits in a chair, Steve comes in

Jim: What've you got for me today Steve?
Steve: Well, we have a couple of people coming in to pitch ideas to you today
Jim: More crap I presume?
Steve: A man with an idea for a television remote that works like the clapper
Jim: Gay
Steve: A woman with an idea for a gun that shoots rainbows
Jim: Double Gay
Steve: and a 14 year old girl who has figured out a cheap renewable energy source she calls “Torple”
Jim: Wait, how old?
Steve: 14
Jim: Tell her to come back in 2 years
Steve: Come on, Jim
Jim: What's that? Come on Jim? Come on Jim? You know what? Fuck you Steve
Steve: If your father knew how you ran this business
Jim: Yeah? Well he don't, he's dead. I'm twice the business man he was, oh I know what this is, you miss sucking on my father's prick is that it?
Steve: Excuse me?
Jim: I remember now, my father hired you off the streets, before this you weren't nothing but a cheap prostitute, he always liked to keep his little pets close
Steve: Who told you this?
Jim: No one, I remember it like it was yesterday, I came into his office, like my father did in your mouth, you fucking pervert
Steve: Fuck you Jim (Punches him) I quit, Burn in hell (Spits on him and exits)
Jim: Wait, Steve, come back... Steve? Karen?

Jim gets up  and exits calling for Steve and Karen, he finds himself passed out on a park bench next to Marlon Mason

Jim: Where am I?
Marlon Mason: Your dead my friend, welcome to heaven
Jim: What? Really?
Marlon Mason: No not really, welcome to hell!!! HAHAHA
Jim: Oh my god!
Marlon Mason: Nah I'm just kidding, you passed out on this here park bench
Jim: Oh, thank god, you really scared the crap outta me. I thought I was dead, you know what though I think I was a little relieved
Marlon Mason: What the french? Son, what kinda Commy-lovin bull turd is that? Who would be relieved to be dead? You know how many times I've been on the brink of death and they've brought me back?
Jim: How many?
Marlon Mason: I don't know, that's why I'm asking, shit I've been to the pearly gates so many times they've started charging me rent.  You know what did it? The War!
Jim: Which War?
Marlon Mason: The Great War! The only war that ever mattered to anybody. I got shot by Nazi's, Taliban, Ninjas, Samurai, and Pirates and the like for 48 years! Imagine what that'll do to a man, my whole body is made up of robot parts, shit I even got a sword that comes outta my ass
Jim: An ass sword?
Marlon Mason: Yup, so many parts inside me I've been alive for over 20 years! Can you believe it?
Jim: uh 20 isn't that long
Marlon Mason: All of it thanks to the parts, but especially one, one that ain't even a robot part. My heart! It's 100% Plastic and Cow Bone, bought it off some fella by the name Barry
Jim: Barry?
Marlon Mason: mm hm, Barry Tapestry
Jim: What?
Marlon Mason: This man came up to me with his son, shit must be about your age now, and sold me what I thought was a piece of junk, but he needed the money to get his kid his leukemia medicine. Turned out it saved my life, ya see in the War there was these bastards, the Thugee, they liked to take people's hearts, chanting “Khali-Ma, Khali-Ma!” well they got me and took my heart, and just in the nick of time I got it replaced by this Heart I had just bought off old Barry. He called it the-
Jim: Tapestry Industries Heart of a Cow Artificial Heart?
Marlon Mason: That's it! Name's a bit too long for me, I woulda just called it “Cow Heart” Anyway, they put that heart in me and president Abraham Barack Obama gave me a medal of honor, then discharged me, said I was imbalanced, hell, he's the one who freed all those chinese slaves!
Jim: That was my Father
Marlon Mason: You're the president's son?
Jim: No, Barry, Barry Tapestry
Marlon Mason: No shit? Good man, sold me my heart, made outta plastic and cow bone
Jim: Yeah, you already told me that. I've been living in that man's shadow all my life, how can I live up to his name? I never really learned business from him, he was never around
Marlon Mason: Don't even get me started on distant fathers, I tell you what, my father was never around neither. Before I was even born my father found this game in a construction site, he heard drums coming from it, and decided to play with his childhood sweetheart, but he ended up getting sucked into the game, until two kids in 1995 found the game and set him free. They all decided to beat the game , even after all these strange animals and plants destroyed their house, there was even a hunter. The only way for them to win was to keep playing until they reached the end of the game and say the name of the game!
Jim: Jumanji?
Marlon Mason: how did you know?
Jim: That was a movie, starring Robin Williams?
Marlon Mason: No, I'm pretty sure that was my life, anyway the point of my story is that the Hunter and my father were played by the same man, there's got to be some sort of symbolism there
Jim: You're right! I can't let my father's memory hunt me for the rest of my life! I will be a better man!
Marlon Mason: Or whatever
Jim: Thank you, thank you sir! What's your name anyway?
Marlon Mason: Marlon Mason, esquire
Jim: Marlon Mason esquire, thank you!
Mr. Moral: (Entering) Sometimes it's the craziest people who make the most sense
Marlon Mason: Who are you? One of the Harijuku Warriors?

The End

The Messiah is Due on Maple Street

If you watch The Twilight Zone, or ever talked to me about The Twilight Zone you've heard of this episode called "The Monsters are Due on Maple Street" my all time favorite episode. This skit is only really similar in a few aspects, the title and the fact that a group of people and their willingness to believe something simply because it explains the unknown, which ultimately leads to a death. In this case it is Chester Berry, who comes home from the hospital claiming that he is the messiah, which leads his friends to become his followers, while David is a "non-believer" and thinks rationally, this of course leading to his off stage death. It's a pretty fun little skit so don't let my description of it bog you down. In reality alot of these skits are pretty messed up, but when taken in a lighthearted fashion they're pretty fun. A huge inspiration is this joke that I have with a couple of people, that one of our friends (Shaun) is the messiah, and I am always the non believer, so this skit came out of that he is pretty much Chester and I am David.  Also if you haven't seen The Monsters are Due on Maple Street, CHECK IT OUT

The Messiah is Due on Maple Street

Mr. Moral: Maple Street, A street like any normal street, there are houses painted white and blue, and white and green. Various folks living there, more characters than people really, just like anyone you know.  Crack addicts, garbage men, jewlery store owners, and this house.  The house of one Chester Berry, painted white and purple, with a few bushes out front, it has sat empty for four months, he has been in a coma, but today he comes home, his friends wait for him, but what they don’t know is that he is about to change their lives forever, in our little story titled: The Messiah is Due on Maple Street. (Exit)

A welcome home party. People are in house waiting for their friend.

Sherry: I'm so excited he's coming home today. It's been four months he's been in that coma.

Gary: I was worried he'd never come out of it.

Sherry: The doctors weren't sure he ever would, honestly it's nothing short of a miracle.

Terry: Everyone they're here! Shh! Hide!

Everyone hides behind furniture and... things.

Chester and David enter. Everyone comes out and shouts surprise!

David: You guys! I told you no shouting surprise. The doctor said it wouldn't be good for him.

Terry: Oh what does that dumb doctor know? They said he'd be in that coma forever, but look at him now, four months!

Gary: It's nothing short of a miracle!

Sherry: I said that!

David: Ah shit, don't say miracle.

Sherry: Why not?

Chester: My friends, a miracle has occured--

David: Here we go...

Sherry: Yeah, we know Chester, you coming out of that coma is a miracle.

Chester: Yes, the coma friends. Gather 'round, I have something important to say

Gary: How important? I gotta drop the kids off at the pool.

Chester: Well that depends. How important is the salvation of your soul?

Gary: Uh, I can hold it.

Chester: Friends while I was in that coma an angel came to me. The angel Ringo came and told me that--

Gary: Ringo? As in the Beatle?

Sherry: But he's not even dead, how can he be an angel.

Chester: It is not the same Ringo. He was an angel, still British, but not the same guy.

Terry: Did you ask him to sing Octopus's Garden.

Chester: It was not the same Ringo!

Terry: He didn't have to be the same Ringo to sing it... it's a fun song.

Chester: I'm sorry. Just listen. Ringo the angel came to me in my coma and told me big news.

Gary: That you were gonna live?

Chester: Well, yeah, but...

Gary: Wow, wish he woulda come to all of us. We were worried sick.

Terry: So an angel came and saw ya? He say anything about me?

Chester: What? No... he came to me and said...

Sherry: Anything about me?

David: He didn't say anything about any of you. Now just shut up and listen to this insane man's story.

Sherry: Jeez, I was just askin'.

Chester: Ringo the angel came to me and told me that I would live, but that I was being born again as the messiah

Sherry: You're the lowest balcony in a theatre?

David: That's mezzanine Sherry, he said messiah.

Sherry: What's that?

Chester: I am the second coming of Christ!

Gary: Who?

David: (like the swear, not the name) JESUS CHRIST!

Chester: Exactly, thank you David. I am the second coming of Jesus Christ, I will save the souls of the people.

They all laugh

Chester: What's so funny?

Gary: Look, as soon as I get back from the john, we'll discuss the many reasons why that is hilarious.

Exit Gary

Chester: What does he mean?

Terry: Chester, you know we love you but you aren't exactly the religious type,  not to mention all the horrible things you say.

Chester: Like what?

Sherry: The way you talk about women, the way you hit on them, that time you tried to roofie that girl, not to mention your use of the phrase "dip it."

Chester: I already explained to you that she wanted to role play and date rape was a fantasy she had.

Terry: you swear like a sailor.

Chester: Not anymore, I have been reborn, right David?

David: Oh, don't bring me into this.

Chester: He saw! He saw me perform three miracles--

Sherry: Christmas miracles?

Chester: No, just regular kind.

Terry: What?

Gary: You did?

David: No, no I didn't.

Chester: David is a non-believer, but he did see me perform three miracles.

Sherry: What were they?

Chester: First there was a man who could not walk. I put my hand on his leg and said "Walk!", and so he did.

David: He made it two steps before he fell into a pile of his own sick. The doctor who was leading his physical therapy said that he wasn't ready for it and that all the help from therapy was undone.

Sherry: You made that man walk, Chester? You really did?!

David: Did you not just hear what I  said?

Terry: What else did you do?

Sherry: Yeah, tell us!

Gary: (walking in) Ok so here is why you cannot be the messiah.

David: Thank you, Gary.

Terry: Gary, shut up, Chester is just telling us about the miracles he's performed.

Sherry: He made a man walk!

Gary: He did? I'm listening!

David: Son of a--

Chester: For my second miracle I helped a blind woman see.

Gary, Sherry, and Terry all gasp.

David: Oh come on!

Chester: Say what you will David.

Gary: Yeah David. Non-believer!

David: Gary, you weren't even here for the last miracle!

Gary: That doesn't mean I can't believe!

Chester: I saw this woman. She had not the power of sight. I put my hand across her broken eyes and said "See!", and when I took my hand away she could once again view the world.

Sherry: Oh, Chester... these miracles are making me all HOT

Terry: Well what does the non-believer have to say about that?

David: She had just woken up and still had crust on her eye lids that Chester wiped away. She was never blind.

Gary: Shun the non-believer!

Gary, Terry, Sherry: SHUN!

David: I can't believe you guys are believing this! Come on, think about. Chester cannot be the messiah!

Chester: Why not?

David: Because you are a not a moral person! You torture small animals for fun, you scam the girl scouts, you once ate a live baby chick!

Chester: It was crunchy... but that was the old me, this is the new me. The reborn me.

David: Just because you say you're reborn does not mean that you are a  new person. You don't just become the messiah, asshole!

Gary: Hey! Be careful what you say. You got a religious figure right here, man!

Sherry: Go on! Tell us about your third miracle, oh great messiah.

David: Oh, Jesus.

Chester: Yes?

David: Oh, shut up! You know what? Go ahead and tell them about your third miracle!

Chester: Thank you, son. For my third miracle I quieted a storm. All through the building you could hear the wind and the rain and I looked to the sky and said, "You shall storm no more!", and everything stopped.

Gary: Oh my Chester!

Terry: Amazing!

Sherry: Go ahead, try and explain this one away!

David: Easy. His neighbor in the next room was watching the 2000 film The Perfect Storm and heard chester yelling and shit himself so he had to stop the movie.

Sherry: Oh, a likely story. Why can't you just believe, David?

Gary: Yeah, David, where's your faith?

David: My faith? Are you kidding me? This man is not  the messiah! Look, why don't you perform a miracle right now?! Come on! Oh great messiah, give us a sign!

Terry: Yeah!

Sherry! Ooooh, come on!

Gary: Et cetera!

Chester: Ok!

Chester raises his arms. Nothing happens for a bit, then the lights start to go crazy and strange noises are heard. Gary, Sherry and Terry are visibly shaken. David is skeptical.

David: Oh, come on! What was that?

Chester: A sign of my power. Now do you believe?

David: No, of course not.

Gary: What is wrong with you? Didn't you see that. It was beautiful.

Terry: and terrifying!

Sherry: and magnificent! Oh, great messiah!

David: Stop it you guys! There has to be an explanation for this!

Sherry: You know what David? I'm getting real tired of your non-believer talk. I think it's time that you believe in our messiah.

Gary: Yeah! Because if you don't wise up soon, we may just have to make you mind.

David: What the--

The three of them start to advance toward him

David: What are you going to do?

Terry: You will be a casualty in the war of good and evil.

David: Hey, come on guys... stop it... terry come on, ouch hey gary stop it...

Gary: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

They chase him off. His screams can be heard from off-stage.

An electrician enters.

Electrician: Hey, hi, um sorry about all the craziness, the lights flickering and all the crazy noises, I think we hit a giant power supply down the street. Okay... alright have a good day.

Electrician exits

Mr. Moral enters.

Mr. Moral: Sometimes it’s just better to go with the flow... at least until you can safely call the cops.

Gary: (from off-stage) Who's that? Some one is with the messiah!

Sherry: A Judas! Get him!

Terry: KILL HIM!

The chase him off.