Carol Cline Radio Talk Show

Did you ever watch the old SNL? (I'm 23 so old SNL for me is 90's SNL, don't judge) they had these skits about this radio show called "Delicious Dish" it was Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer, who were always hilarious. That skit gave me the ide for this skit, I would call it an homage, rather than a knock off. It involves an old woman named Carol Cline (I was listening to Carol King and Patsy Cline at the time) who had her own radio show and all the crazy guests she would have on. Originally she was going to be called "Plant Lady" and the guest host was to be her plant that could talk, she was this crazy woman who treated her plants like her children, but it didn't seem to work as well as I would have hoped, so i changed it. (There was an actual lady who I had named "Plant Lady" she was this woman who lived across the way from the apartment I was living in at the time, and I made up all these horrible stories about her, I assumed, horrible life, she will be on the lists of reasons as to why I am not getting into heaven) The first guest to the show was Marlon Mason, this crazy old man who was in "the war" which war no one can really be for sure, if any. He came out of this character I did all the time around my friends who was essentially Marlon, but everyone called him grandpa, oh and he was minus all the fake body parts and mish mashed historical references. Then I put the two of em together and had them answer phone calls. I did a second Carol Cline show that had a different guest on it, the show was about her and the crazy guests she got for that night, and whatever horrible topic that these people were completely unqualified to give advice on. This time it is "coping with loss" As always enjoy and any comments would be much appreciated


Carol Cline Radio Show
Music plays as  Carol Cline (CC) and Marlon Mason (MM) sit at microphones

CC: Hello and welcome back to the Carol Cline Radio talk show, today's guest is my neighbor who lives below me, Marlon Mason, welcome Marlon

MM: Thank you Carol, it's great to be here.

CC: For those you just tuning in, today's topic is Coping With Loss, and Marlon was just telling us about his time in the armed services, and the war

MM: The great war!

CC: Yes, yes, the Great War.  Now Marlon you were just telling us about the time you lost your right leg and your left foot

MM: Yes, as I remember it, it was me and my best friend Marcus Murray in the middle of this rice paddy, full of Vietcong and Nazis when they threw out mustard gas, so we dove into our trenches to get away from those terrorists, and as we shot back for the attack on 9/11 we knew we were fighting for a just cause, for the union!  For our leader, Abraham Barack Obama, and against the Mexicans wanting to stop Texas from becoming a part of the united states.  As Marcus left the trench to stab one of those confederates through the chest I saw a Communist run out and throw a grenade towards him, I didn't have enough time to throw it back, or get out of the way so I ran up and kicked it and told that bastard to take it back to Castro!  Apparently kicking a grenade isn't a good idea as it exploded almost immediately and I lost a large percentage of my right leg and my left foot.

CC: Wow, a gripping tale indeed, which is a perfect fit for today's topic, coping with loss, and I see we already have some callers, let's take a call, shall we? Hello? Your on the Air with Carol Cline and Marlon Mason.

Michelle: Hi Carol, my name's Michelle, love your show.  I recently lost my Dog, Patches, and I was wondering what can I do to better cope with losing him?

MM: I'm going to stop you right there Michelle, can I ask, did he run away or die in a horrible accident?

Michelle: He ran away and has been gone for 2 months

MM: Do you think it might have had something to do with being given the name Patches?

Michelle: I hope not

MM: Well I wouldn't count it out as a possibility

Michelle: Umm, ok... But what should I do?

MM: Well if I were you I would fall into a giant depression, and possibly take up drinking, that has always worked for ma and my war buddies, in fact that might be your best option at this point in time

CC: Now that is a great piece of advice, I know that whenever anything bad happens in my life, whether it be breaking up with a boyfriend, or the death of one of my plants I like to blame myself entirely, begin drinking heavily, about 4-5 bottles of red wine a day, until I just forget why I started drinking in the first place.  Alcohol, it really is the best medicine for any wound.

Michelle: I don't really think-

MM: Well clearly you don't really think, or else you wouldn't have given your dog a name that made him run away, good day mam!

CC: Oh, Michelle, if you're still listening at Costco you can buy in bulk at really great prices, so don't be afraid of going a little crazy, ok?  Ok, we have another caller, Hello, you are on the air with Carol Cline and Marlon Mason.

Steven: Uh, hi Carol, I'm Steven, long time listener, first time caller. I recently lost my wife in a horrible accident involving a Meat Grinder and a Giraffe.  I work at the Zoo you see and every time I pass by the Giraffe pen I break down and start crying, what should I do?

MM: Ya know the first thing I did Steven when I lost my foot in the war?

Steven: What?

MM: I got revenge for my foot, well actually the first thing I did was get it replaced by a robot foot, also I got a robot leg, I mean seriously most of my body is machine, that damned war took everything from me, my legs, my right eye, left arm, middle testicle, 3/4ths  of my heart, and 2/5th of my lungs, all of which have since been replaced, but what I'm saying is Steven you go and bag yourself some Giraffes, I must have killed anywhere from 50 to 150 Communists after that, and more then enough Nazis for my time.  I think if you take the time to go out and kill about 80 Giraffes you will feel better and your wife will have not died in vain.

CC: Ya know, I'm gonna have to disagree with you there Marlon, I feel that murdering innocent Giraffes might just lead to an unnecessary war between man and Giraffe, ultimately ending up with something like Planet of the Apes type situation, except with Giraffes.  Now, what I do suggest Steven is that you find that meat grinder and dismantle it, understand it, see through it's eyes, see it's most inner secrets, possibly even fall in love with it and then dump it later for a copier printer machine. I think through this you will find an understanding about why that horrible accident happened, and just how much horrible gut wrenching pain your wife was in while she died. okey dokey.

Steven: Thank you both so much, I will take everything into consideration.

MM: You're welcome Steven and folks at home I would just like to say that while I do not condone violence, it is a means to an end.  Just like in the war, we ended up on this remote Planet called Pandora and we had to resort to violence with the Natives as they were guarding the UnObtainium that we had been sent to retrieve, and ultimately we were defeated because we had not learned to commune with nature as the Natives had, and they sent us back to earth

CC: Uh, Marlon, I actually think that was the plot of James Cameron's Avatar

MM: Are you sure?

CC: Yes

MM: No, I'm pretty sure that was my life

CC: Oh, look, a caller! Hello, you are on the air with Carol Cline and Marlon Mason.

Quinn: Hello Miss Cline, my name is Quinn and I had a question about my Grandmother, she died recently and I wanted to know if she made it into heaven?

MM: How old are you Quinn sweety?

Quinn: eight

MM: That explains a lot, well Quinn, I'm going to stop you right there and tell you that there is no heaven.

Quinn: What? So Grandma went to hell?

MM: Not quite, ya see there isn't a hell either.  After we die there is nothing and emptiness, no afterlife, no angels, no god even, just an eternity of nothing

Quinn: But Mommy said-

MM: Quinn I'm gonna stop you again, your Mommy lied to you, to make you feel better she told you about heaven, and to make you behave she told you about hell, in fact I'm sure she does it all the time, who did she say brings you presents on Christmas?

Quinn: Santa Clause?

MM: Also a lie, the real St. Nick died a long time ago and was actually a pervert and peeping tom who crept into people's houses and left little poops in their socks, and called them stocking stuffers

Quinn: Really!?

MM: No, but you believed me because I said it authoritatively on the radio, am an adult and war veteran with only one real eye

Quinn: I'm so confused.

MM: As you should be, you don't know what the truth is anymore, maybe I'm lying to you now, maybe your grandmother will comeback as a zombie and eat you

CC: Wouldn't you like that Quinn? To see grandma again? Even if she is a zombie and eats you?

Quinn: (Cries and hangs up the phone)

CC: Well, it looks like that's all the time we have, I hope you have enjoyed our show, I would like to thank my guest Marlon Mason for being here today, and you listeners at home,  I'll be back next week with guest Lemmy Larkin and next weeks topic, sexual harassment in the workplace .  Thank you and goddess bless