Namingway and the New Year

So today I talked to the Namingway. For those of you who don't know who/what that is, it's from Final Fantasy IV he's this little rabbit(?) creature thing. Technically he is a Hummingway, a group of little rabbit things that live on the moon... ANYWAY not the point. Namingway is special in the game in that he makes it so you can Rename your characters. So I Namingway'd myself (?)... Whatever, I changed my name online for a few reasons. The main one being my new job where I'll be working with school kids, my Mom suggested it/bugged me till I did it, so hopefully the kids don't look me up and see the morally objectionable things I do/say/write/film. The other reason is cause I figure it's not too "professional" to have all my craziness online, not in like the creative sense, if I'm going for something creative, this is who I am and can't be ashamed of that. But since people have been getting better at the interwebs, and lets face it, everyone can google, it's easier to find people and try and see who they are before doing things like hiring them n shit, and it's kinda like "If I can do the job, and am qualified what the fuck does it matter if I'm crazy on my off time?" "Well, that's just not the type of person we want working for us, we're a family company, and I just can't get behind you making skits about girls who got so high they think they had an abortion when they were never really pregnant to begin with." To that I of course say "ONE TIME!" Oh which I guess brings me to my next point, in case you didn't know, I got a freakin job! woot, very excited. I start in January, so I decided to do the name change right at the end of this year.

New Year!
Well the new year is upon us. 2011 was quite a year for me, I graduated from college, I started a skit show, I started this blog, I found a really nice sweater that goes with practically anything! (Ok, maybe that last one's not really that great) Point is, I'm not very good at looking back at the last 365.25 days and going "Oh remember when?" usually it takes looking at pictures, or someone asking me that question and I go "Oh shit, yeah remember when?" But I know that this year was a good one, I can feel it in my big bones. I am pretty freakin happy with my lot in life, I know I'm not exactly where I want to be, but I'm working towards it, and that's a promising start to a new year. I haven't been updating the blog recently, but I'll try harder with the new year, but there will be some changes around here, mostly due to the fact that I can't work on scripts for "Fix My Problem!" "Shots of Sketch 3" and then separate ones for the blog. So this might become more of an opinion blog in the weeks to come, with some scripts thrown in. We shall see, all I know is that I can't ever let myself stop creating, writing, acting, thinking, dreaming (And I have some pretty fucked up dreams, another time) and sharing. So Happy New Years everyone!
Sincerely Gerardo Grimm

No NWF This Week

Hey guys, sorry I don't have anything new for you this week, I just finished writing the finale episode of the first "season" of Fix My Problem! So I have nothing new today. But I am looking for people who want to be involved in the web series, let me know!!!

Fix My Problem: Cats

 Here is episode two of "Fix My Problem" These are short and super easy. If you have an idea for a  "problem" that these guys could fix why not tell me? Maybe I'll write it up. I've got a few more ideas still to write up, dunno if I'll post them right away. Let me know if u want to be involved.

Fix My Problem!: Cats

INT.- Room- 2 chairs, music and the “Fix My Problem” logo appears on the screen. CHUCK and CARLOS come on and sit in the chairs, the logo disappears.

Chuck: Greetings friends, and welcome to this episode of-

Both: Fix My Problem!!

Carlos: Where you write in, and we-

Both: Fix Your Problems!

Chuck: No matter how weird they are, I'm Chuck.

Carlos: And I'm Carlos. Today's first let comes to us from Varla Veracruz in Topeka, Kansas, she writes “Dear Carlos and Chuck, my cat is an outside cat, and as such I leave her food bowl out there, but recently a horde of raccoons has been coming around at night and eating all of her food. What can I do? Please, Fix My Problem!” Well Varla, what you wanna do is purchase a large mean dog and have it protect the cat food at night, and you don't even have to feed it because it will be eating raccoon! There ya go we-

Both: Fixed Your Problem!

Chuck: Our next letter comes to us from Leslie Lamb, from Ottawa, Canada. She writes, “Dear Chuck and Carlos, my grandma is getting old and senile, I don't want to put her in a home because I saw this special on TV where they just give all the old people plastic surgery and send them out into the wilderness to fend for themselves. But I can't keep her at home with me, what should I do? Please, Fix My Problem!” Well Ms Lamb, what I suggest is that you send your grandmother to the home, but before you do make sure to outfit her with some cybernetic limbs, that way when the inevitable does happen happen she will be better equipped to handle surviving on her own. We just-

Both: Fixed your problem!

Carlos: And our final letter today comes from a Miss Sandy Sandstone in Palm Springs, CA. She writes “Dear Carlos and Chuck, my bitch of a neighbor ran over my cat that I loved with every fiber of my being, and now I want revenge, Can you “Take care” of her cat For me?” Yes Sandy, we can, we will-

Both: Fix Your Problem!

Ext.-Sandy's House- Chuck and Carlos stand outside a house w SANDY, she holds a cat

Chuck: We are here in Palm Springs, CA with Sandy Sandstone, Sandy please introduce yourself.

Sandy: My name is Sandy and this Mr. Jeremy.

Carlos: Well hello there Mr. Jeremy.

Sandy: No, no one is allowed to pet Mr. Jeremy but me!

Carlos: Right, sorry, tell us about your neighbor and her cat.

Sandy: Well one day I was taking Ms. Scuttlebutt out for a walk and my neighbor Dumb Denise comes up and runs over my cat with her lawnmower! I swore that I would get revenge! Can you fix my problem?

Chuck: Yes we can, here is how we will-

Both: Fix Your Problem! Step One!

Carlos: Steal your neighbors Cat Snooty Sarah.

Both: Step Two

Chuck: Run over the cat making it look like an accident.

Both: Step Three, she finds the cat. Problem Fixed!

Ext.-Dumb Denise's house, Carlos calls the cat to him and grabs it, looks around, runs away with it.

Carlos: Step one Complete!

Ext.-Street- The cat is in the middle of the road, as a car approaches it runs away, they try three or four more times, each time the cat gets out of the way, Chuck and Carlos get increasingly frustrated, they look at each other, shake their heads in unison, and then footage of them running over a stuffed cat, that looks nothing like Snooty Sarah. DUMB DENISE comes out of her house and starts crying over the cat. Sandy does an evil laugh and enters her house, Chuck approaches Dumb Denise and gives her some money. She stops crying and goes inside, chuck looks back at the camera realizing it is still rolling. The word “FIXED” appears on the screen like a giant stamp.

INT.-Room- 2 Chairs, Carlos and Chuck sit, like in the opening.

Carlos: If you want your problem fixed just email us at FixMyProb@Prob.net

Chuck: And remember

Both: WE FIX YOUR PROBLEM!

End.

NWF # 17 Fix My Problem!

So something new this week. I am excited for this, i had this idea while in the shower today (You probably didn't need to know that part) I want to start a web series called "Fix My Problem" every episode Chuck and Carlos get letters from "viewers" asking for help with their problems, "no matter how weird they are" and then they choose one and go out and fix it. It's pretty short, but webisodes are usually between like 3-5 minutes so I think it's a good length for that, especially because a portion of it is improv. I have an idea for a few more and if I get a chance to write them this weekend I will post them. I know a lot of my film formatting is wrong, but you get the gist. If you have an idea for problems to "fix" or would like to be involved let me know. Thanks guys!!!

Fix My Problem!

INT.- Room- 2 chairs, music and the “Fix My Problem” logo appears on the screen. CHUCK and CARLOS come on and sit in the chairs, the logo disappears.

Chuck: Greetings friends, and welcome to this episode of-

Both: Fix My Problem!!

Carlos: Where you write in, and we-

Both: Fix Your Problems!

Chuck: No matter how weird they are, I'm Chuck.

Carlos: And I'm Carlos. Today's first let comes to us from Samantha Soma in San Diego, CA. She says “Dear Carlos and Chuck, I need your help, my husband claims I'm cheating on him and I say I'm not. I totally am, but I don't want him to know about it. So I need to “prove” to him that I'm not cheating. Please, Fix My Problem!”

Chuck: Well Samantha, usually we'd love to help fix your problem, but we also received this letter from Saul Soma from San Diego, CA. “Dear Chuck and Carlos, I fear that my wife Samantha is cheating on me, she is my world and it would break my heart if I knew that she actually was cheating on me. Please help me set my mind at ease about her. Please, Fix My Problem.” Well Saul, there ya go... we just-

Both: Fixed Your Problem!

Carlos: And now case today comes from Daniel Diamond in Lake Elsinore, CA. He writes, “Dear Carlos and Chuck, I have a problem with ghost in my house. They are not active enough. I really like the show ghost hunters but the ghosts in my house don't hardly do anything, can you come and upset them to make them more active?” Yes, Daniel, we will-

Both: Fix Your Problem!

EXT.-Daniel's House- Chuck and Carlos stand outside a house in Lake Elsinore, CA with DANIEL

Chuck: We are here in Lake Elsinore with Daniel Diamond, Daniel introduce yourself.

Daniel: Hi, my name is Daniel, and uh, this isn't a meth lab...

Carlos: I'm sure it's not. Now tell us about these ghosts in your house.

Daniel: Well, it's like there are ghosts in the house right, and well, like, they just aren't that active. I need them to do more stuff and be more spookier so I can go on Ghost Hunters.

Chuck: Sounds like a quite a problem to me. Here is how we will

Both: Fix Your Problem! Step One

Carlos: Set up equipment in different rooms in the house.

Both: Step two

Chuck: Make the spirits angry and active

Both: Step Three, Problem Fixed!

Daniel: That really just sounds like one step, two at the most.

INT.-House- The guys are setting up equipment. They finish and turn off all the lights of the house, a la Ghost Hunters. Then it's Chuck onscreen in night vision.

Chuck: Step one is complete. We have set up camera's in three different rooms. Now comes step two, upsetting the spirits. If I've learned anything from tv and movies it's that spirits hate three things, swearing, drugs, and pre-marital sex. In room one Carlos and I will be swearing at the ghosts to try and get them to act up. In room two our friend Chad will be smoking some marijuana, and in room three our volunteers Carla and Chase will be having pre-marital sex. (Moves camera so we can see CARLA and CHASE) Say 'Hi' guys. (Chase and Carla unenthusiastically wave, completely aware how awkward this is going to be)

The Camera cuts between the rooms, maybe each room is shown twice? It says what room number at the bottom left screen of each scene.

“Room 1: Swearing”

Carlos and Chuck sit around swearing at the ghosts calling them pussies, daring them to do stuff, maybe throwing in a couple of “Bro”s [is it funnier if everything is bleeped out?]

“Room 2: Drugs”

Chad sits on the floor and starts to smoke a bowl, coughs, starts to giggle, hears something, wonders if it's a cat, or if there is even a cat in the house. Also is pretty sure this house is also a meth lab.

“Room 3: Pre-Marital Sex”

Carla and Chase are trying to have sex, but neither of them know how to, being virgins. He is on top.

Chase: Is this right?

Carla: I don't know, I've never done this before.

Chase: Me either, I think we're supposed to be naked?

Carla: Like Completely?

Chase: I'm not sure.

Carla: How do they do it in movies?

Chase: I don't know my mom always covers my eyes during this stuff.

A GHOST appears behind them

Ghost: Seriously? Seriously? Come on guys! I've been dead for twelve years and the first couple I get to see have sex is you two freaks? Man, fuck this! My buddy Ghost Tupac haunts a whore house and is always telling me the crazy shit that goes on there, but no, when it's my turn I get this leave it to beaver mother fucker. I'm outta hear. And that's right America, Tupac's dead, leave him alone! (Disappears)

Chase: Who was that?

Carla: I dunno.

The word “FIXED” appears on the screen like a giant stamp

INT.-Room- 2 Chairs, Carlos and Chuck sit, like in the opening.

Carlos: If you want your problem fixed just email us at FixMyProb@Prob.net

Chuck: And remember

Both: WE FIX YOUR PROBLEM!

End.

NWF # 16 A Very Special Thanksgiving Family Dinner

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all had turkey and various other food items. I would just like to say that Mashed Potatoes are my favorite Thanksgiving food, I know you can eat them any time, but people really put in more effort during Thanksgiving. I love Mashed Potatoes... So in honor of this holiday where it celebrates... whatever... Either the peaceful dinner white folks had with some native americans, or the beginning of the end of said natives. (I mean we can all agree that the white folks were dicks to them at least right? Like are we celebrating that? Isn't that what columbus day is for?) So in honor of this holiday I have written a piece, not quite a skit, well if u have a dark sense of humor like me. otherwise it's just a whole buncha white people hangin out and being horrible. I dunno, let me know what you think. I kinda had fun writing these horrible people, might flesh it out more and make it a one act. enjoy!

A Very Special Thanksgiving Family Dinner

A dinner table, the door to the kitchen up center, and the front door is downstage left. Carolyn, an older woman, is setting the table, she opens a bottle of wine, maybe music is playing, she finishes setting the table and the door bell rings. Hearing it pains her, she takes a large swig from her bottle of wine and hides it. The door bell rings again.

Carolyn: It's open!

Doris enters

Doris: Hi Mom, happy Thanksgiving, how's Dad?

Carolyn: Oh you know your Father, it's not a holiday unless he's voiding his bowels as the family arrives.

Doris: of course, how's his heart? I heard he went to go see Dr. Tevelowitz last week?

Carolyn: His hearts fine, built like an ox, that man. He just went in for his check up and to call the doctor a shifty Jew.

Doris: Classic Daddy. (Looks around, panics) Oh shit, where are the kids. (Shouts) You little shits have three seconds to get in here, One! Two! (Two kids enter, Candy and Bryan) Say high to Grandma, and be nice about it.

Candy: Hi grandma! Did you know that Bryan got caught cheating on his math test last week?

Bryan: Shut up Candy! Hey Grandma, do you guys have Cable yet?

Doris: Bryan, what did I tell you? No tv. Hey, where is your brother?

Bryan: I dunno, Candy said he's an illegal so we don't have to watch him.

Doris: Candy you little bitch, Dylon is not an illegal he is your brother, he came out of me just like the two of you did, so I expect you to treat him like you would Bryan.

Candy: So I should hate him unreasonably?

Bryan: Hey!

Candy: And besides, that's not what I said! I said that he is an illegitimate so who cares what happens to him?

Doris: Candy, go get Dylon! (Candy Exits)

Carolyn: I don't remember Dylon, which one is he?

Doris: Oh sure you've met him Mom, I'm sure you'll remember him when you see him. (Candy enters with Dylon, a black kid.) Dylon, you remember Grandma?

Dylon: She left me in the middle of the street, and told me to wait until the police picked me up.

Candy: Shut up Dylon! No I didn't!

Doris: You kids go get ready for dinner, Candy, you're on thin ice young lady!

Candy: That's how your real parents died, they fell through the ice. (Kids Exit)

Carolyn: I don't remember the black one.

Doris: Mom, you've met him before, remember Dylon? My son?

Carolyn: No, that doesn't sound right...

Doris: Do you need help with anything Mom?

Carolyn: No, no, everything's been ready for since two, it's ok that everyone is three hours late. Now we're just waiting on your brother and Patrick, and your sister.

Doris: Uh oh, he's bringing Patrick? You know Dad's gonna flip out.

Carolyn: I've already dealt with your father, he will play nice tonight.

Doris: Alright, is there any wine?

Carolyn: Just a bit in the kitchen. (Doris exits, Carolyn takes another large swig from the bottle she has hidden, the door bell rings, she takes a swig, hides the bottle) It's open!

Danny and Patrick enter, Patrick is Latino

Danny: Hey Mom, happy thanksgiving!

Carolyn: Hey Danny! Happy Thanksgiving Patrick, you look thinner every time I see you.

Patrick: Oh Carolyn, you charmer. Happy Thanksgiving.

Danny: Are Doris and her kids here? I saw the Mom van parked out front.

Carolyn: Oh yeah, she's in the kitchen, she's got a black kid now.

Danny: Yeah, Dylon, I met him last week. Jeeze Mom, judge much? (Exits to the kitchen)

Carolyn: I just wish my kids would tell me when they have kids, even black kids. So Patrick tell me, how are things with my Son? Is he as stubborn as his father?

Patrick: Well, he had to get something from his father.

Carolyn: Well I sure hope it wasn't his father's tiny penis.

Patrick: Ok, so he got two things from his father.

They laugh and Patrick pulls out a flask and Carolyn pulls out her wine bottle, they toast and take drinks. She examines his face and rubs off some makeup

Carolyn: Ah I see he got another thing from his father, come on, I'll show you how to cover up like a champ, I've been doing it a lot longer. Bring the booze.

They exit. Danny and Doris enter from the kitchen, followed by a cloud of smoke, laughing and coughing.

Doris: Oh my god we haven't done that in Mom's kitchen since forever. So how are things with Speedy Gonzales?

Danny: Shhh!!! Not so loud, he doesn't know I told you that, he also doesn't know that three and a half minutes is not long enough for intercourse. Things are all right, he's been drinking more since we had that fight.

Doris: What fight?

Danny: Oh it's nothing, we just had a little fight, about coming over here, about dad, his drinking, my smoking, that failed three way we had.

Doris: Well if those videos I've seen are any indication, it gets better. I mean at least he's here with you, Gerald left me for that slut Ruth, his Slutty Secretary.

Danny: Ouch.

Doris: I mean, come on, how am I supposed to compete with that? Her job title is Slutty Secretary, I never had a chance.

Door bell rings

Danny: It's open!

Dahlia enters, she is the frumpy sister.

Dahlia: Hey guys, long time no see.

Doris: God Dahlia, I guess...

Danny: When will you stop lording over the rest of us? Just because you've been in school forever doesn't mean you are any better than us.

Doris: How is school, since that's all you want to talk about.

Dahlia: Uh, I've been out of school for like five years, you guys came to my graduation.

Doris: I think I would remember that.

Dahlia: Maybe it's all the pot you've been smoking, jesus guys open a window at least.

Danny: Oh Dahlia quit being such a wet blanket, marijuana is proven to increase your memory, so I guess I'm smarter than the school girl. Besides, it's medicinal, it says so on the bottle.

Dahlia: Yeah it's medicinal, for Dad, it's for his insomnia, not for you two to get high on.

Danny: (Danny and Dahlia laugh) Dad doesn't have insomnia. Look Dahlia, I know you don't know how things work in the real world because of your study groups and your adderall addiction, but Dad just SAID he has insomnia so he could get his weed card, and if we smoke a little of it to get through a family dinner no harm no foul.

Dahlia: Uh, except it's illegal Danny.

Doris: Oh Dahlia, quit being such a nerd. You need to get your head out of your test grades and your computer sciences. Now where are my kids? KIDS! (Kids enter) Kids, say hi to your aunt Dahlia.

Bryan: It smells like when Mr. Hill visits in here.

Doris: Shut up Bryan, sit down and get ready to eat. Ma, everyone's here we're ready to eat.

Carolyn: (Off stage) Hold your damn horses, we're coming. (Carolyn and Patrick enter) Alright time to eat. (She takes a large swig of her wine, finishing it. Goes into the kitchen and brings out food. The kids are messing around Doris is dealing with them, Danny and Patrick are arguing about what Patrick was doing with Carolyn in the bathroom, while he drinks from his flask, Dahlia is on her smart phone, Doris judges her for it. Carolyn sits down and begins to pray) Dear lord, who art in heaven, we thank you for this bountiful feast in front of us, not that you were the one who slaved in the kitchen all day. You didn't do anything to help prepare this meal, but still here I am thanking you for it, because well, that's the way it is. So thank you, thank you for all you've given me over the years, my shitty husband, my drinking problem, and three shitty kids. Doris, the whore who brought three children into this world two little shit stains and a bastard, Danny, who, if Patrick's bruises are any indication, is as big a piece of shit as his father, and finally lovely Dahlia, too smart to ever be happy, and too much of a sarcastic cunt to ever get a man. So thank you lord, for all the precious moments you've given me on earth, the fights, the ungratefulness, the bruises, and the wine, I can't thank you enough for the wine. Also I would like to thank you for the only thing I actually have to be thankful for this year, my shitty husband died on the toilet five minutes before everyone got here.

The family doesn't know how to react to any of this, this last part most of all. Then Dennis walks out.

Dennis: I ain't dead yet you old bag!

Carolyn: Thanks for nuthin! Amen.

Dennis: Hey, who's the black kid?

Black out.

NWF # 15 I am Waiting For a Bus

Hello readers! I wasn't going to be able to complete a new scene for today so i was going back through my composition book (That is where I do all of my original handwritten drafts) and I found this skit I wrote a few months back, I didn't really think it was that great, so i never posted it, but then I read through it again today and saw some potential. I made some edits and added some more dialogue, changed the ending and made it a Mr. Moral skit! So I hope you enjoy and that if you had any doubts in your mind about whether or not I am a horrible person that this clears it up.

I am Waiting for a Bus

A bus stop, Mr. Moral walks out, during his monologue Carl Enters.

Mr. Moral: Public transportation, one of modern man's greatest inventions. If you need to go somewhere, but you don't have a car, you can hop on the bus, for about two dollars. When man created public transportation he also unknowingly created something else. The People who take Public transportation. Are they crazy? What is that smell? Does that young woman know that we can hear her while she talks on the phone? Where did that cat come from? Does that baby have a tattoo? These and many more questions are asked while riding the bus. But today we have a man who is riding the bus for the first time, Carl, age 32, Caucasian, divorced and pretending to be happy about it, banker, and part time whale enthusiast. Will he learn his lesson? Or will he wind up just another tragedy in the play on the stage of life, in our story entitled “I am Waiting for a Bus”

(Mr. Moral exits, Carl is sitting on the bench, waiting. Barr, a homeless man walks over to the bench and sits down, Carl smiles and starts talking. Carl should sound like the happiest man in the world, he is overly optimistic, practically in denial about anything bad that has happened his entire life.

Carl: Well hello there sir, it's a wonderful morning isn't it?

Barry: (Coughs/hacks) What's so wonderful about it?

Carl: Well, it's not too hot, nor is it too cold, it's just wonderful. The sun is in the sky, the birds are singing, and why just this morning I found a nickel on the ground.

Barry: Oh, I lost a nickel on the ground this morning.

Carl: Well it must be serendipity that we met then, here is your nickel along with my introduction. Hi, my name is Carl.

Barry: Hello Carl

Carl: And what is your name good sir?

Barry: Barry, Barry Berkowitz. Salutations and all that.

Carl: Well Barry Berkowitz, isn't it just lovely out today.

Barry: You already mentioned that.

Carl: Well it is just so lovely, sometimes it can get so hot at this time of day.

Barry: (mumbles) As if you would know...

Carl: What was that?

Barry: I wish it would snow.

Carl: Oh no, not me, I am not a fan of Mr. Winter, have you ever been out when he comes to town? No sir, no thank you.

Barry: Are you kidding me?

Carl: No, quite the contrary, I am quite full of wonderment.

Barry: What?

Carl: Have you ever been out in the cold?

Barry: Of course I have, I'm homeless.

Carl: You are!? Oh my, I just assumed you were some sort of foreigner with your strange garb sir. I am truly sorry I did not mean to offend you.

Barry: Uh... Thanks?

Carl: Well you are very welcome, and I must say you do not carry yourself in the manner of a homeless man, you my friend are much more dignified.

Barry: Right... you got a dollar?

Carl: I'm afraid I do not. What I do have though is this credit card. Here, take it. Why don't you buy yourself some food, or a cheese cake or something. I mean I assume homeless man may enjoy a cheesecake as well as any other man may. That is not to say that I assume many things about homeless men, other then that they are all without homes and may do sexual favors for money.

Barry: What?

Carl: Oh, no, have I offended you again? I only meant that if I were so inclined I could pay you for sexual favors no? I mean I am not so inclined, but if I were, I could yes?

Barry: No, I'm not some street whore, I'm just a homeless man. Here take your damn credit card, I'm not sucking you off!

Carl: Oh no, oh no, I fear I have done it twice now! Good Barry Berkowitz, of the Bus Stop Berkowitzs I do not wish to get sexual favors from you, I only wish to help you with this credit card. Here take it.

Barry: Look, are you sure about this? Giving me a credit card? I mean, what if I use it to buy booze?

Carl: Well that would be ok, as long as you are of age, you are of age aren't you?

Barry: Of course I am. No I mean you don't worry about what I buy? Or how much I spend?

Carl: Not at all my good sir, anything to help a fellow human being.

Barry: What's the catch?

Carl: Catch? There is no catch.

Barry: You are just giving me this credit card to do with whatever I can think of?

Carl: Yes, I mean there is only a $2,000 limit, so there are some boundaries.

Barry: That's not the point, you, Carl, are just giving me, Barry, a homeless man your credit card, with no strings attached, to go out and buy things?

Carl: Yes

Barry: And it works?

Carl: Yes.

Barry: Why?

Carl: Because it felt like the right thing to do.

Barry: Mister, you are right messed up in the head. But, well I guess I'm grateful, have fun waiting for the bus, I'm off to buy some food and clothes! (Exits)

Carl: (Pulls out his cellphone, he sounds different, less cheerful, almost desperate) Hello? Judith? It's me, Carl, Judith please let me talk to Bobby? Judith-I- He's my son dammit, now let me talk to him. No, don't hang up, Judith, listen- (He is defeated and puts his phone away, he walks off as a News Reporter walks on)

News Reporter: This is Steven Storm coming to you live from the scene of the accident, at about four PM this afternoon a man was seen walking into the middle of oncoming traffic, he was hit by a bus and died immediately, witnesses say he was talking to a homeless man right before the accident, police are looking for that homeless man, if you have any information please call 555-555-5554.

Mr. Moral has walked in as the News Reporter finishes.

Mr. Moral: There is always a catch.

Back Like Leggings! NWF # 14 Leo @ Auditons

I have actually no clue is leggings are indeed back, or if they left, or what differentiates them from stockings (Am I thinking of the right thing? I doubt it) But I'm Back! After a few hours of making myself write, and another few making myself type I have a new scene finished for all of you! Let me know what you think, my major issue is with how I end the scene, is it too abrupt? Does it convey what I want it to? Can you tell what I want it to convey? Or do they need more time/dialogue? Hope you enjoy it. and for all you Shakespeare fans out there, don't kill me for fucking with the format, I am just trying to save space. As always any and all feedback is appreciated.

Scene seven: Leo @ Auditions

Leo: Ok, so maybe that wasn't the smartest move, in fact, making a bet with Bryan Daniel was probably the worst thing I could do for our company right now... But if we win, he has to pay all of our bills... IF we win, and that's a pretty big if. But I have faith, I keep telling Joel that it will be ok, we just have to find some great actors, I know Wilton is a small town, but I'm sure there's got to be some talent here that has gone unnoticed. So we put out flyers advertising for auditions. And wouldn't you know it, people actually showed up!

Lights up, the stage has been cleared the “Mountain Spayers” sign still hangs in the back, Joel enters

Joel: Wow, there is a surprising amount of people out there, we might not actually lose everything. Alright, you ready for the first one?

Leo: Send em in.

Leo and Joel sit at a table, or in the audience, a young woman, Cassie, walks on stage, nervous but excited.

Cassie: Hi, my name is Cassie Christina and this monologue is called “Stabbing Victim” from the Vagina Aunologues.

Leo: You mean the Vagina Monologues?

Cassie: (Staring at Leo intensely) No, I mean the Vagina Aunologues, they won't let me do the Vagina Monologues, so I started my own thing, and it's called the Vagina Aunologues, and it's a million times better.

Leo: Uh, alright, go ahead.

Cassie: (Turns around to get into character and spins back around quickly, and shrieks) Oh my god! I've been stabbed in my Vagina! (Leo and Joel suppress their laughter) his lustful hate filled man penis stuck inside me like a rusty dagger that stabs a woman in her vagina. I screamed and he pulled out and apologized, but once was all it took, to awaken the murderous rage inside me. I grabbed the nearest knife (She pulls a knife out from behind her, Leo and Joel are a little freaked out, and get increasingly so during her monologue) and I stabbed him, just as he had stabbed me! I stabbed him, and I stabbed him, and I stabbed him! Again, and again, and again! Yeah Chad! That'll stop you from ever stabbing another woman with your vile defiling tool! I stabbed him some more until his blood ran down my face and into my eyes making my vision into a red blur, I was awoken, I had discovered myself! I had come unto the world! (She stands holding the knife, Leo and Joel are terrified) And scene.

Leo: Well... uh, thank you crazy er uh Cassie Christina! And I see you brought your own prop.

Cassie: Oh this? No, I just carry it around with me, but during the performance I felt that to properly get the stabbing across I should pull it out and demonstrate.

Joel: Wow, uh powerful stuff Cassie, so they wouldn't let you join the Vagina Monologues? I can't imagine why.

Cassie: They said I would hurt the cause, can you believe that?

Leo: I cannot.

Joel: Leo I don't know if I made this clear enough, but I really don't want to get stabbed.

Leo: Shh! Cassie, come back later to check the call back list.

Cassie turns around and goes upstage and stands with her back to the audience while striking a pose, the (Old) Man w/ Can from scene 3 comes shuffling onstage

Man w Cane: Hello my name is Old Man With Cane, and I will be doing a thing.

Joel: I'm sorry your name is what?

Man w Cane: Oh, right, I'm sorry, my name is Old Man With Cane Hernandez.

Joel: Of course it is, alright, show us what you've got.

Man w Cane: A 5-6-7-8! (He starts to do an old timey tap shuffle, very poorly) Oh, hold on, I messed that up, let me start over. A 5-6-7-8! (He starts doing a completely different dance, maybe the charleston?)

Joel: Oh god, we're doomed.

Leo: Hey, we're only on our second person. It'll pick up I promise. Thank You, next!

Man W Cane goes upstage and joins Cassie. A young woman, Maddy Mason, comes out.

Maddy: Hello, my name is Maddy Mason, and I will be doing a monologue from Romeo & Juliet. O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a Capulet. 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy; Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot, Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man. O, be some other name! What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet. Thank You.

Leo: Wow, that was great!

Joel: It really was, thank you, can you tell us a little about yourself Maddy?

Maddy: Well, I've lived in Tebacula all my life, but I always felt more like a Wilton girl. Um, I'm twenty years old and I work at my Grandpa's Welding Museum.

Leo: Wait, your grandpa is Marlon Mason?

Maddy: Yeah, that's him.

Leo: oh man, crazy! How is he? Is he still around? I mean I remember the last time I saw him was before I went to school and he must been close to ninety-five.

Maddy: He's doing great, almost 105 now. Looking as young as ever too, ever since he got his new skin and lungs.

Leo: Haha, yeah, that sounds like the Marlon I remember.

Joel: I'm sorry, what?

Maddy: Oh, well my grandpa was horribly disfigured in the war, so he he was given new skin and organs my the government. And every other ten years he has his skin replaced, and every thirty years he gets new organs, that's what's been keeping him alive all these years.

Joel: I don't even know what to- I mean- What?

Leo: Thank you Maddy, now what sort of role were you hoping to get?

Maddy: Oh just a small one, really just being in the play would be enough for me.

Leo: Would you be willing to take one of the bigger parts?

Maddy: Oh, well, yes, but the thing is, I can't. You see I have this thing, where everyday something happens to my brain, and I wake up and can only speak with an accent. I was lucky because today I woke up with no accent. Yesterday it was Jamaican, who knows what tomorrow will be. I'd love a bigger role, but I think it's just safer for everyone if I just play a witch.

Leo: Witch it is, when you see your Grandpa next tell him I said hi.

Maddy: You can tell him yourself, he's right after me.

Leo: Cool, Next.

Maddy joins the others upstage. In walks a man who doesn't look a day older than say 29. he is Marlon Mason, and speaks in a gruff voice.

Marlon: Hello, my name is Marlon Mason and uh, I will be doing a monologue as uh, what's his name from uh... that play. (Whispers to Maddy) Psst. What's the character again?

Maddy: Macbeth.

Marlon: And what's the play called again?

Maddy: Macbeth.

Marlon: Oh right, I will be playing Macbeth, from Macbeth.

Leo: Yeah, I thought I'd wait till later to say something, but now seems like as good time as any. What are you guys doing back there? Cassie? Man with Cane? Maddy?

Cassie: This is what happens at an audition, I've seen A Chorus Line.

Leo: Right, well, not this audition. You guys are good to go, just check the call back list that will be posted later today.

(The exit, Maddy wishes Marlon to break a leg, Marlon says it's inapropriate, Cassie says its very unprofessional, and Old Man W Cane just mumbles something against Koreans)

Joel: Ok, Marlon, whenever you are ready.

Marlon: Right, (Clears his throat and goes right into his monologue, and does a great job) Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day To the last syllable of recorded time, And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. Thank You.

Joel: Wow, thank you Marlon. Make sure to check the call back list later today.

Marlon: I would just like to say that even if I do not get cast in the show I am still available to help with any welding that you need done for the show.

Leo: Thank you Marlon. (Marlon exits)

Joel: well I think we've found our Macbeth.

Leo: I'll say so. See this is going to be good.

Joel: I hope so. Do you mind if we take a little break before the next round of people?

Leo: No, go ahead. (The stage goes dark except for Leo) We saw the rest of the people after that. Some were pretty talented, others... not so much. But they all seemed like hardworking salt of the earth type people. There was Lacey, the waitress who tried to sell me and Joel her uterus a while back, Old jack, the owner of the bar on grand avenue. Sheila, she says she is a kindergarten teacher, but we're pretty sure she is a sixty year old prostitute. These two weird Goth girls who told me that my dead grandmother says hello, and then there was Gary.

Lights up, Gary is onstage, and Leo and Joel are in their chairs.

Gary: Hi, my name is Gary, I'm the bouncer at Old Jack's bar.

Leo: I thought you looked familiar! You kicked me out of the bar once.

Gary: Oh, uh sorry.

Leo: Oh, don't be. I deserved it.

Joel: What did you do.

Leo: I was drunkenly telling everyone that the bathrooms were full of spiders.

Joel: Why would that get you kicked out?
Gary: Old Jack's doesn't have bathrooms.

Joel: Oh.

Leo: I said drunkenly.

Gary: Anyway I will be doing Romeo from Romeo and Juliet. But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Juliet is the sun! Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, Who is already sick and pale with grief That thou her maid art far more fair than she. Be not her maid, since she is envious. Her vestal livery is but sick and green, And none but fools do wear it. Cast it off. It is my lady; O, it is my love! O that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?

Her eye discourses; I will answer it. I am too bold; 'tis not to me she speaks. Thank You.

Joel: Thank you Gary.

Leo: Yes, thank you Gary, question, how tall are you?

Gary: About six-four?

Leo: Nice.

Joel: (Hitting Leo) Thank you Gary, please check the call back list later today.

Gary exits and Joel gives Leo a look.

Leo: What?

Joel: Don't you “What?” me, you were checking him out the whole time. Did you even listen to his piece?

Leo: Yeah, he was all “Thou, thee, do me”

Joel: Not at all what he said. Well we are still gonna use him, because he had a pretty good audition. But you are not gonna have sex with him, is that understood?

Leo: What? Why do you make me sound like some sort of sex maniac?

Joel: Aren't you?

Leo: I don't see what that has to do with this. Besides, I thought we were, well I mean not right now cause of the uh. Well ya know.

Joel: We what? Me and you are?

Leo: Uh, nothing, never mind, just forget I said anything.

Joel: Leo, we can talk about this, we are adults ya know.

Leo: Talk about what?

Joel: Ya know, us, what we're doing...?

Leo: Putting on a play?

Joel: Uh, yeah, ya know I gotta go make the cast list, I'll see ya later. (Exits)

Leo: I'm a dick...

Black out

End of ACT I

Fail Blog aka My Life is Fail Blog

So I haven't updated for awhile, the friday before the friday before halloween (What's that the 21st?) I just haven't been able to write anything, I have a few scribbles, but nothing really worth posting. I am thinking of reworking the play i am currently working on (The one i've been posting on here) so that it becomes a one act (somehow......?)) so I can enter it into this contest, they're looking for one acts, and I figure I think this is funny and I could condense it maybe? Just sort of make everything happen in the Wilton Hall of Performance maybe? I don't really know as of yet. I hope to get more written next week, hopefully my mind grapes will be full of juice...or whatever. But for now I apologize and say keep an eye out for more stuff!

NWF # 13 Leo @ The Wilton Hall of Performance

Hello peoples. It's friday, and that means a new script (What with it being New Works Friday and all) I actually almost forgot about it completely. i didn't remember until about 945 while watching The Walking Dead with my brother. But I got the scene typed up just in time! (Just in time meaning that it is still friday for another like 20 minutes. but a couple of notes about the script and this play.

I have decided to change the names of the towns I talk about. Mostly because the more i write the more I fins myself getting further away from the reality of the small town i grew up in, and more into this bat shit crazy town, where being exposed to the air just adds to everyone's crazy levels. I mean Wildomar is like that, but the effects just aren't as common as all the folks in this town. I am renaming the town "Wilton" so it's not too far off from Wildomar. Also you will see the names of two other towns here, that I've slightly changed, so idea yet as to what I'm gonna call Lake Elsinore, Lake Snellsinore? Snailsinore? Bailsinore? I have no clue. Why not leave a suggestion in the comments?

As always I hope you enjoy this and let me know what you think. I don't get much feedback if any, so any would be much appreciated. Thanks!!

Scene 6: Leo @ The Wilton Hall of Performance.

An old Theater space, there are lights all over the floor, wires hanging, the floor is littered with mess, a large banner that reads “Mountain Spayers” hangs on the back wall. Mr. Plottle walks in followed by Leo and Joel. He is an older gentleman, a bit crazed looking, he carries a cat with him.

Mr. Plottle: Here she is boys, the Wilton hall of Performance. Now, we haven't had a show in here in about ten years, not since the Wilton Performance Hall opened up down the road there, so it hasn't been cleaned in a while.

Joel: When was the last time?

Mr. Plottle: 1994

Joel: I thought you said it's only been closed for ten years?

Mr. Plottle: Look, there's a reason people went to the Wilton Performance Hall, and it sure as hell wasn't the music.

Joel: Fun...

Leo: Speaking of, who are the Mountain Sprayers?

Mr. Plottle: Spayers, SPAYers! The Mountain Spayers was the best band to ever play the Wilton Hall of Performance.

Leo: What sort of music did they play?

Mr. Plottle: They were a Metal-Disco-Jazz-Reggae-Folk-Electronica-Fusion-Glen Miller Orchestra-Frida Kahlo type of band.

Leo: But wasn't Frida Kahlo a painter?

Mr. Plottle: Yeah, who do you think painted all the seats?

Leo: I was wondering about that.

Joel: So, Mr. Plottle, do you have any lighting instruments that still work? How is your sound system? Do you have any sort of fly system?

Mr. Plottle: You see those lights on the floor over there?

Joel: Yeah...

Mr. Plottle: That's our light inventory.

Joel: Great... Leo, can I talk to you?

Leo: Uh, yeah hold on, I think something is eating through my shoe... Ow! (They go to one side of the stage together, Leo takes his shoe off) Ok, so it's not the nicest place in town, but it is the cheapest.

Jeol: Leo, this place is a dump, we've gotta keep looking.

Leo: There isn't anywhere else in town that we can afford, those jags over at The Wilton Performance Hall want ten times as much as this place does.

Joel: Because it's ten times cleaner I'm sure. Also how much does this place want?

Mr. Plottle: Two steaks and a shoe, sorry couldn't help but eavesdrop.

Joel: Wait, so the Wilton Performance Hall wants twenty steaks, and ten shoes?

Leo: And a rug, can you believe that? A rug Joel, a rug. I mean, that place is nice sure, but not twenty steaks nice, fifteen maybe.

Joel: Are all business transactions around here done with meats?

Mr. Plottle: No, just here the Wilton Performance Hall, and the Pharmacy down the street. So, you boys gonna take the space or what?

Leo: Alright Plottle, just hold your horses. Joel? What do you think?

Joel: And we couldn't do it Morretta or Tebacula why?

Loe: Joel, I may not be fond of Wilton, but it's my hometown. I love it, sort of how you have to love your parents no matter how much they try to crush your dreams. If I am going to start something I want it to be in my hometown, my crazy, crazy hometown.

Joel: Fine, we'll take it.

Mr. Plottle: Great! I'll go draw up the papers! We are eatin tonight Marsha! (Exits)

Leo: Oh man Joel, this is really coming together, thanks for all your help, I wouldn't have been able to do this without you.

Joel: Aw come on, sure you could've.

Leo: No, really, I couldn't have. We've still got a long way to go, but we are headed there, it's all so real now that we have the space.

Joel: Now we just have to get actors who are willing to work for almost nothing, rehearse, design the set and lights, and get it all done, then open, and close. I wonder where we'll be able to find actors?

Bryan Daniel: (Entering, surprising Joel and Leo) Don't even think of trying to steal my actors, hello boys.

Leo: Bryan Daniel, what are you doing here?

Bryan Daniel: Just checking up on the competition, Leonard.

Leo: You know I hate it when you call me that.

Bryan Daniel: Well that's part of why I do it, Leonard. Now tell me, is this where you are going to put on your little “Show”? Leonard, this place is a dump, who in their right mind is going to want to watch a show in here? The asbestos is so thick here it chokes the rats. And who the hell are the Mountain Sprayers?

Leo: SPAYers. And those rats had smoking problems long before the asbestos.

Bryan Daniel: Listen to yourself Leonard, this place, this town has gotten to you. This is why I never wanted to visit while we were dating, it's a filth pit full of crazy people. And now you have even dragged poor Jared here-

Joel: It's Joel, you know it's Joel, we worked together for like 8 months.

Bryan Daniel: Jared, it's very rude to interrupt a man while he is talking. I see you learned nothing from our time together. Just look at him Leonard, do you see what the madness of this place has done to poor Jared? Do you really think you can put on a show here?

Leo: Of course we can, we might have to work a little harder this time around, but we will put on a show, and you know as well as I do that it is is going to be a hell of a lot better than yours Bryan Daniel, that's why you're here, checking up on us.

Bryan Daniel: Ha, you don't really believe that do you?

Leo: Yes, we do.

Bryan Daniel: We? So what, little Jared here believes in your plan too?

Joel: It's Joel-

Bryan Daniel: Jared, come on, seriously? Shut up.

Leo: Hey, Joel is just as much in charge of this as I am. He's my partner-

Bryan Daniel: What!? He's your what?

Joel: Leo, I mean, I- yeah, I felt like that, but I didn't know-

Leo: What, he's my business partner, so?

Bryan Daniel & Joel: Oh...

Leo: I don't get it what?

Bryan Daniel: Nothing. So when do you plan on opening?

Leo: We've got a date... Yeah, right Joel?

Joel: We do? (Leo kicks him) ow, uh right, an opening date, it's uh... Well, when is yours?

Bryan Daniel: (Gets uncomfortably close to Joel) How about at the same time, we say it in unison.

Joel: Uh... K. (Joel is making it up on the spot, while Bryan Daniel is trying to copy everything he says, without any of Joel's inflections) Well, we, uh... Were thinking of... Are you copying me? I am really uncomfortable with how close you are Bryan Daniel. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it! May 16^th!

Bryan Daniel: Wow, really May 16^th? The same day as our opening, way to copy me Leonard. I always knew you wanted to be me, but this is just getting excessive, don't you think? First I get a Theater Company, then you have to get one, then I come to Wilton, and you just happen to be here? And now, you even took May 16^th away from me. Do you know no bounds? Even copying my favorite color, Blue? Look, we're over, I broke up with you, there is no getting me back, I'm gone Leonard, Bryan Daniel doesn't do second chances, that goes for you too Jared.

Joel: There is no point in correcting him is there?

Leo: Nope. Bryan Daniel, I only started my own company because you got me fired from my last one. You came to Wilton to specifically find me, and you know you just copied whatever Joel said. Also Your favorite color is Houndstooth, so stop pretending it's blue. Plus, I broke up with you, you seem to have some sick fascination with me, so please just go.

Bryan Daniel: (Getting extremely close to Leo) I have never been broken up with Leonard, and you know it. No one would dare break up with Bryan Daniel Stevens!

Leo: Well, I did.

Bryan Daniel: Are you sure? I think we should sleep together one more time, just to make sure.

Leo: Ugh, get away from me.

Bryan Daniel: Fine, but what do you say to making this rivalry a little more interesting?

Joel: It's hardly a rivalry, we are two different theater companies, in two separate towns, we don't even have the same audience. (Bryan Daniel is about to interrupt, but Joel stops him) And so help me god Bryan Daniel, I have just as much right to talk as you or Leo.

Bryan Daniel: Hmm... You're rude, I could get into that.

Joel: Shutting up.

Leo: Interesting how?

Bryan Daniel: A competition, whoever has the better opening night wins.

Leo: Alright, but it's about how many people show up AND stay through till the end. And if they like it, AND what the reviews say. Whoever puts on the better overall production of Macbeth wins.

Bryan Daniel: Fine, and when I win you have to close down your little company, and come work for me, at half pay, and have sex with me once a week.

Leo: No

Bryan Daniel: Just once.

Leo: No

Bryan Daniel: Fine, no sex... quarter pay.

Leo: Deal, and when WE win, you have to pay all of our company's expenses out of your own pocket for next years season. AND you have to stop sending me dirty pictures of yourself.

Bryan Daniel: Never.

Leo: Less Frequently

Bryan Daniel: Deal. (They Shake hands) May the best man win, Leonard.

Leo: Oh, don't worry, we will.

Bryan Daniel exits.

Joel: Leo are you sure about this?

Leo: Not as sure as before you asked me if I was sure. We've got a lot of experience, but he does have one thing that we do not.

Joel: What's that?

Mr. Plottle: (Offstage) Alright, now this contract is mostly used coffee filter, but it'll do.

Leo: Money...

Black out.

NWF # 12 Leo @ Work

A new scene. I like it, but I think I might need to edit it, let me know what you think. I do really like the two characters used here, one of the waitress, she might come back, maybe not. But this pretty much happened to me, at a Denny's, good times. And then there is OCD Guy, he will definitely be coming back. Enjoy! Also I am gonna try and post some more skits in the coming week, I have some that I wanted to post, but I just never got around to it, nothing new, but scripts that aren't up yet.

Scene 5: Leo @ Lunch

A diner, Leo and Joel are seated by a waitress, she leaves

Leo: Alright, so tell me everything, Bryan Daniel fired Karen?

Joel: And now he is directing the show.

Leo: What are you guys doing anyway?

Joel: The Scottish Play

Leo: What?

Joel: You know, “The Scottish Play”

Leo: No, yeah, I know, but why are you saying it like that? Why not just call it by it's name? Mac-

Joel: (Cuts him off) Nope, ah, don't, just, The Scottish Play, ok?

Leo: Why won't you say it?

Joel: Because...

Leo: Why?

Joel: Well, you know... (Points out to the audience and brings attention to the actual theater space) Cause we're in a... you know... don't make me say it...

Leo: Oh right... (clears throat) So how is a dick who's never even seen a play supposed to direct Macbeth?

Joel: We're just gonna ignore that? Alright, uh, well he is definitely not doing a good job. He doesn't really know what to do, or what the play is about. So he just rented a whole bunch of film adaptations and are telling the actors to do like in the films

Leo: What do you mean?

Joel: He just gives them a DVD and tells them, “Watch this, do it like that”

Leo: That's horrible advice, and how are the actors handling it?

Joel: Well, some of them have really taken to it, I mean it wouldn't be so bad if he just gave all of them the same movie to emulate, but our Macbeth was given a Japanese adaptation, and he wants to read all his lines in Japanese.

Leo: No...

Joel: Oh my god, you should have seen him, yesterday he came to rehearsal in full garb, with a sword and everything, oh my god it's terrible.

The Waitress walks over

Waitress: Hey, you guys ready to order?

Leo: Uh, actually we just need a little longer

Waitress: Ok, that's fine (She just stands there staring at them, she has something to say, and is very excited about it) Can I ask you, are you two a thing?

Leo: Excuse me?

Waitress: You two are Gay right?

Leo: Yes, is that a problem?

Waitress: Oh no, no, no! You misunderstand me sweet heart. I think what y'all are doin is just great! Ya know, the Gay thing. I had an Uncle who was Gay, real shame though, he killed himself

Leo and Joel become physically uncomfortable

Leo: Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Waitress:Oh, thank you. Yeah I just love the Gays, so funny, they're great dancers, and just are so good at fashion!

Joel: Uh... Thank you?

Waitress: Ya know, if you two are thinkin of having kids anytime soon, I've been thinkin bout it too, havin a Gay guys kid. Ya know, bein a surrogate mother.

Leo: Oh, no we're not-

Waitress: Oh, I could give ya a real discount too! I turn out just adorable little kids, you should just see my kids, so pretty, not like my sister Judith's kids, buncha chunky little acid faced monsters if ya ask me, oh but do try to not tell her I told you that. Here, take a look at my oldest, nine, ain't he just the cutest little kid you ever seen? And you could have your very own, if the price is right.

Leo: No, really we're good, thank you though.

Waitress: Ok, well if you change your mind I know a gal that's got two thumbs, is divorced from her jealous husband, and has a real fertile uterus! This one! (laughs) So ya know what you want?

Leo: I'll just take a burger and fries.

Joel: Pancake breakfast please.

Waitress: Ok, and how would you like your child today? Blond, or brunette? Just kiddin, a little surrogate mother humor! (Exits thinking she just told the best joke ever)

Joel: Was she just trying to sell us her uterus?

Leo: I think so... Coulda been worse, the other day I had a nine year old ask me if I knew where he could get some weed. What the hell is wrong with people?

Joel: Well, so how are things here for you?

Leo: Oh I just love it, lots of open air, the locals are so lovely, every one here really embraces what it means to be a compassionate human... I hate it, I hate it with the passion of a million suns, the people here are weird, I think some of them don't have souls, yesterday I saw a baby wearing an “I Like Ike” shirt, how is that still a thing!?

Leo stops talking as OCD Guy enters from stage right and walks across the stage, he wears a cap and carries a cane for the blind with him. He does not say anything, or take notice of anyone, Leo follows him with his eyes, mesmerized/terrified.

Joel: What are you-

Leo: Shhh!

Joel now sees him and they watch him walk across the stage together, he exits.

Joel: Who was that?

Leo: OCD Guy.

Joel: Who?

Leo: He's this old guy who walks the same path through the town everyday. He never says anything to anyone, he doesn't even move when he see's you coming. So we call him OCD Guy.

Joel: Is he blind?

Leo: I don't think so, he just carries that cane.

Joel: Uh, ok.

Leo: So what were we talking about?

Joel: You, here, hate.

Leo: Right. This town, it breeds a certain type of crazy that I had forgotten about. I mean yeah I've got a few screws loose, but some of the people here just aren't there anymore. I don't know if it's the meth in the air, or the water from Lake Elsinore, but they sure are something different. And different from city crazies, this is small town crazy, and I think I'm catching it Joel. The other day I swear I heard a disembodied voice call my name out as I walked home from work, my boss told me that it was the souls of all the kids who died in the making of the Little Rascals, I know that doesn't make any sense, but I kinda believed him!

Joel: Leo, why don't you come back with me? Come back to the city, to the Theater.

Leo: God I miss the Theater, but there's no way Bryan Daniel would accept my help, he was always like that, one time he wouldn't let me drive him to the hospital because he wouldn't let a “silly broken leg” ruin his weekend. We were camping, and were attacked by wolves, we stayed for another three days until he passed out and I could get him to a hospital.

Joel: Jesus.

Leo: And besides, he's the asshole that fired me in the first place!

Joel: Well what are you gonna do? Stay here and work your shitty jobs that you hate for the rest of your life? It's not like there's any Theater going on around here.

Leo: You know what? You're right.

Joel: You'll come back with me? I can talk to Bryan Daniel if you want-

Leo: No, no, no not about that jag, about there being no theater here.

Joel: Yeah, so?

Leo: I'll make some!

Joel: Huh?

Leo: I'm gonna start a theater company out here!

Joel: What!?

Leo: Yeah, I'll start a company, rent out a space, put on a show, and start a Theater revolution!

Joel: I don't think that's a thing.

Leo: Ok, maybe not a revolution, but I'll be able to do some theater, and you're going to help me!

Joel: What? No way, Bryan Daniel said that if I can make it through tech week without him firing me he would give me a big bonus.

Leo: That's a lie, he always used to say that to his house cleaning staff, about lasting till christmas, and before you could say deck the halls, they were deported, and they weren't even immigrants. Come on Joel, we can start our own company, you and me , just like old times.

Joel: So you'll yell at me all the time? I'm good, Bryan Daniel is a prick, but at least he's paying me.

Leo: Joel, I'm sorry, I really am, this time will be different, we'll be partners, equals in the business, whattya say?

Joel: Well... I need to think about it, it's quite a big step, I don't even live out here. How am I supposed to make money?

Leo: You can move in with me, at my parent's place. We'll find you a job, the theater will be our extra project.

Joel: That sounds like a terrible idea, your Dad doesn't like me.

Leo: My Dad doesn't like anybody, it'll be fine, we won't even be at the house most of the time. Joel, I am very invested in this idea now.

Joel: But you just came up with this like a minute ago, we have to think about this more.

Leo: (Getting down on one knee) Joel Marcus Rabinowitz

Joel: That's not my name...

Leo: Would you do me the honor of being my business partner in this new Theater company? For better or worse? Cause if it fails we're screwed.

Joel: When you put it like that it just sounds terrible... (Looks at him) Oh alright, fuck it. What's there to loose, except everything, yes, I will, I will go into business with you.

Leo: You've made me the happiest Gay Man in all of Wildomar (He gets up and Kisses Joel an the lips, there is a collective clapping and hollering as if from other patrons)

Leo: Sorry, I got a little carried away...

Joel: Oh, uh no, it's fine...

Waitress: (Entering) I just heard, you're getting married!? Should I go prep my womb?

Joel: Oh god

Leo: Even better, we're opening a Theater company!

Blackout, light on Leo

Leo: And that's how it happened, Joel and I started a theater company, over the next couple of weeks we got things started. I helped Joel move into my parents place, I told my dad that he was an old friend from the city, which immediatley made him hate Joel, but once I told him he could pay rent he was more neutral than hateful. We got him a job at my work, and he hates it as much as I do. But we are on the hunt for a Theater space and decided to put on our own production of Macbeth. Mostly to stick it to Bryan Daniel, who wasn't too happy to see Joel leave, and even less happy to see me. But we are making it happen. We think we even found a space and are going to go check it out this weekend. Honestly, I'm terrified. I haven't told Joel this, but what if we fail? I can talk big because I've put on a lot of shows, but what if we can't pull this off? What if no one comes? Joel moved his entire life because I asked him to. And what about that? Are me and Joel? That kiss was so... I uh, don't really have time to think about that right now. He's a great guy don't get me wrong, but I just need more time.