Scene seven: Leo @ Auditions
Leo: Ok, so maybe that wasn't the smartest move, in fact, making a bet with Bryan Daniel was probably the worst thing I could do for our company right now... But if we win, he has to pay all of our bills... IF we win, and that's a pretty big if. But I have faith, I keep telling Joel that it will be ok, we just have to find some great actors, I know Wilton is a small town, but I'm sure there's got to be some talent here that has gone unnoticed. So we put out flyers advertising for auditions. And wouldn't you know it, people actually showed up!
Lights up, the stage has been cleared the “Mountain Spayers” sign still hangs in the back, Joel enters
Joel: Wow, there is a surprising amount of people out there, we might not actually lose everything. Alright, you ready for the first one?
Leo: Send em in.
Leo and Joel sit at a table, or in the audience, a young woman, Cassie, walks on stage, nervous but excited.
Cassie: Hi, my name is Cassie Christina and this monologue is called “Stabbing Victim” from the Vagina Aunologues.
Leo: You mean the Vagina Monologues?
Cassie: (Staring at Leo intensely) No, I mean the Vagina Aunologues, they won't let me do the Vagina Monologues, so I started my own thing, and it's called the Vagina Aunologues, and it's a million times better.
Leo: Uh, alright, go ahead.
Cassie: (Turns around to get into character and spins back around quickly, and shrieks) Oh my god! I've been stabbed in my Vagina! (Leo and Joel suppress their laughter) his lustful hate filled man penis stuck inside me like a rusty dagger that stabs a woman in her vagina. I screamed and he pulled out and apologized, but once was all it took, to awaken the murderous rage inside me. I grabbed the nearest knife (She pulls a knife out from behind her, Leo and Joel are a little freaked out, and get increasingly so during her monologue) and I stabbed him, just as he had stabbed me! I stabbed him, and I stabbed him, and I stabbed him! Again, and again, and again! Yeah Chad! That'll stop you from ever stabbing another woman with your vile defiling tool! I stabbed him some more until his blood ran down my face and into my eyes making my vision into a red blur, I was awoken, I had discovered myself! I had come unto the world! (She stands holding the knife, Leo and Joel are terrified) And scene.
Leo: Well... uh, thank you crazy er uh Cassie Christina! And I see you brought your own prop.
Cassie: Oh this? No, I just carry it around with me, but during the performance I felt that to properly get the stabbing across I should pull it out and demonstrate.
Joel: Wow, uh powerful stuff Cassie, so they wouldn't let you join the Vagina Monologues? I can't imagine why.
Cassie: They said I would hurt the cause, can you believe that?
Leo: I cannot.
Joel: Leo I don't know if I made this clear enough, but I really don't want to get stabbed.
Leo: Shh! Cassie, come back later to check the call back list.
Cassie turns around and goes upstage and stands with her back to the audience while striking a pose, the (Old) Man w/ Can from scene 3 comes shuffling onstage
Man w Cane: Hello my name is Old Man With Cane, and I will be doing a thing.
Joel: I'm sorry your name is what?
Man w Cane: Oh, right, I'm sorry, my name is Old Man With Cane Hernandez.
Joel: Of course it is, alright, show us what you've got.
Man w Cane: A 5-6-7-8! (He starts to do an old timey tap shuffle, very poorly) Oh, hold on, I messed that up, let me start over. A 5-6-7-8! (He starts doing a completely different dance, maybe the charleston?)
Joel: Oh god, we're doomed.
Leo: Hey, we're only on our second person. It'll pick up I promise. Thank You, next!
Man W Cane goes upstage and joins Cassie. A young woman, Maddy Mason, comes out.
Maddy: Hello, my name is Maddy Mason, and I will be doing a monologue from Romeo & Juliet. O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a Capulet. 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy; Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot, Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man. O, be some other name! What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet. Thank You.
By any other name would smell as sweet. Thank You.
Leo: Wow, that was great!
Joel: It really was, thank you, can you tell us a little about yourself Maddy?
Maddy: Well, I've lived in Tebacula all my life, but I always felt more like a Wilton girl. Um, I'm twenty years old and I work at my Grandpa's Welding Museum.
Leo: Wait, your grandpa is Marlon Mason?
Maddy: Yeah, that's him.
Leo: oh man, crazy! How is he? Is he still around? I mean I remember the last time I saw him was before I went to school and he must been close to ninety-five.
Maddy: He's doing great, almost 105 now. Looking as young as ever too, ever since he got his new skin and lungs.
Leo: Haha, yeah, that sounds like the Marlon I remember.
Joel: I'm sorry, what?
Maddy: Oh, well my grandpa was horribly disfigured in the war, so he he was given new skin and organs my the government. And every other ten years he has his skin replaced, and every thirty years he gets new organs, that's what's been keeping him alive all these years.
Joel: I don't even know what to- I mean- What?
Leo: Thank you Maddy, now what sort of role were you hoping to get?
Maddy: Oh just a small one, really just being in the play would be enough for me.
Leo: Would you be willing to take one of the bigger parts?
Maddy: Oh, well, yes, but the thing is, I can't. You see I have this thing, where everyday something happens to my brain, and I wake up and can only speak with an accent. I was lucky because today I woke up with no accent. Yesterday it was Jamaican, who knows what tomorrow will be. I'd love a bigger role, but I think it's just safer for everyone if I just play a witch.
Leo: Witch it is, when you see your Grandpa next tell him I said hi.
Maddy: You can tell him yourself, he's right after me.
Leo: Cool, Next.
Maddy joins the others upstage. In walks a man who doesn't look a day older than say 29. he is Marlon Mason, and speaks in a gruff voice.
Marlon: Hello, my name is Marlon Mason and uh, I will be doing a monologue as uh, what's his name from uh... that play. (Whispers to Maddy) Psst. What's the character again?
Maddy: Macbeth.
Marlon: And what's the play called again?
Maddy: Macbeth.
Marlon: Oh right, I will be playing Macbeth, from Macbeth.
Leo: Yeah, I thought I'd wait till later to say something, but now seems like as good time as any. What are you guys doing back there? Cassie? Man with Cane? Maddy?
Cassie: This is what happens at an audition, I've seen A Chorus Line.
Leo: Right, well, not this audition. You guys are good to go, just check the call back list that will be posted later today.
(The exit, Maddy wishes Marlon to break a leg, Marlon says it's inapropriate, Cassie says its very unprofessional, and Old Man W Cane just mumbles something against Koreans)
Joel: Ok, Marlon, whenever you are ready.
Marlon: Right, (Clears his throat and goes right into his monologue, and does a great job) Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day To the last syllable of recorded time, And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. Thank You.
Joel: Wow, thank you Marlon. Make sure to check the call back list later today.
Marlon: I would just like to say that even if I do not get cast in the show I am still available to help with any welding that you need done for the show.
Leo: Thank you Marlon. (Marlon exits)
Joel: well I think we've found our Macbeth.
Leo: I'll say so. See this is going to be good.
Joel: I hope so. Do you mind if we take a little break before the next round of people?
Leo: No, go ahead. (The stage goes dark except for Leo) We saw the rest of the people after that. Some were pretty talented, others... not so much. But they all seemed like hardworking salt of the earth type people. There was Lacey, the waitress who tried to sell me and Joel her uterus a while back, Old jack, the owner of the bar on grand avenue. Sheila, she says she is a kindergarten teacher, but we're pretty sure she is a sixty year old prostitute. These two weird Goth girls who told me that my dead grandmother says hello, and then there was Gary.
Lights up, Gary is onstage, and Leo and Joel are in their chairs.
Gary: Hi, my name is Gary, I'm the bouncer at Old Jack's bar.
Leo: I thought you looked familiar! You kicked me out of the bar once.
Gary: Oh, uh sorry.
Leo: Oh, don't be. I deserved it.
Joel: What did you do.
Leo: I was drunkenly telling everyone that the bathrooms were full of spiders.
Joel: Why would that get you kicked out?
Gary: Old Jack's doesn't have bathrooms.
Gary: Old Jack's doesn't have bathrooms.
Joel: Oh.
Leo: I said drunkenly.
Gary: Anyway I will be doing Romeo from Romeo and Juliet. But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Juliet is the sun! Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, Who is already sick and pale with grief That thou her maid art far more fair than she. Be not her maid, since she is envious. Her vestal livery is but sick and green, And none but fools do wear it. Cast it off. It is my lady; O, it is my love! O that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?
- Her eye discourses; I will answer it. I am too bold; 'tis not to me she speaks. Thank You.
- Joel: Thank you Gary.
- Leo: Yes, thank you Gary, question, how tall are you?
- Gary: About six-four?
- Leo: Nice.
- Joel: (Hitting Leo) Thank you Gary, please check the call back list later today.
- Gary exits and Joel gives Leo a look.
- Leo: What?
- Joel: Don't you “What?” me, you were checking him out the whole time. Did you even listen to his piece?
- Leo: Yeah, he was all “Thou, thee, do me”
- Joel: Not at all what he said. Well we are still gonna use him, because he had a pretty good audition. But you are not gonna have sex with him, is that understood?
- Leo: What? Why do you make me sound like some sort of sex maniac?
- Joel: Aren't you?
- Leo: I don't see what that has to do with this. Besides, I thought we were, well I mean not right now cause of the uh. Well ya know.
- Joel: We what? Me and you are?
- Leo: Uh, nothing, never mind, just forget I said anything.
- Joel: Leo, we can talk about this, we are adults ya know.
- Leo: Talk about what?
- Joel: Ya know, us, what we're doing...?
- Leo: Putting on a play?
- Joel: Uh, yeah, ya know I gotta go make the cast list, I'll see ya later. (Exits)
- Leo: I'm a dick...
- Black out
- End of ACT I
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