Shots of Sketch: Night Cap: Behind the Tapestry

This was a really fun messed up skit. I wrote this for a thing called "Night of Chaos" which is the crazy night at the end of every year at SDSU in the Theater Dept. people can put on acts and performances, then they roast all the seniors and then we all party the crap outta life. This skit is a bit more raunchy because of being written for night of chaos. The skit centers around Jim Tapestry, he is a character from a different set of skits, he is the man who sells all these horrible products made by Tapestry Industries (Again, I was listening to Carol King's Tapestry haha!) there wasn't really much to him, but we all thought it would be really funny for him to be really fucked up in real life. And the idea for a "Behind the Music" type of skit was made, it took me awhile to write it, I think we had the idea during the second SoS, but I didn't write it until the end of the semester. so here it is, another Mr. Moral tale. (Oh, also it's the return of Marlon Mason from the Carol Cline Radio Show!)

Shots of Sketch: Night Cap, Behind the Tapestry

A kitchen or family room, a mother and daughter

Jim: Has this ever happened to you?
Daughter:  Mom? Do you ever feel... Unfresh?
Mom: What do you mean sweety?
Daughter:  Like... Down there?
Mom: Oh, down there?
Daughter:  Yeah
Mom: Well sure, we all have sweety, it's nothing to be embarrased about, have you tried douching?
Daughter: Yeah, but it doesn't seem to help, I've got an extra unfresh Vagina, isn't there anyone who can help?
Jim: Now there is! With Tapestry industries High Powered Feminine Cleanser, there's nothing you can't get clean!
Daughter: Even down there?
Jim: Yup, even down there!
Mom: How does it work?
Jim: Well, all you have to do is go to your local Home Depot, be at least 18 years of age, and a legal U.S. Citizen, and purchase the Tapestry Industries High Powered Feminine Cleanser. Then you simply attach it to the end of your garden hose and voila you're ready to go!
Daughter: How does it work?
Steve: (Off Stage) Cut!
Jim: What the fuck? Are you kidding me Samantha?
Samantha (Daughter): I'm sorry Mr. Tapestry
Jim: You're going to be real sorry you little cunt!
Steve: Whoa Jim, cut her some slack, she's only 12
Jim: Well where the fuck did you get her Steve? Can't Act R US?

Samantha runs off crying

Mother: You're a monster! (Exits)
Jim: You're gonna have to try harder than that sweetheart, I've heard that line read by the biggest names in hollywood!

He freezes and Mr. Moral enters

Mr. Moral: Consider if you will, one Mr. Jim Tapestry, age 32, President of Tapestry Industries inc. “Tapestry Industries, for all your needs, ever” He inherited it from his father, now he strives to make his own company, and to stop living in the shadow of his father.  But his tactics and manners have not been looked highly upon by others. Today he will fall from grace and meet a man who will change him for the better, in a story we like to call “Behind the Tapestry: The Jim Tapestry Story.”
Steve: (Entering) Jim, they've quit, what do we do now?
Jim: Find some new chicks, and make sure the little one's at least 16
Steve: Why?
Jim: Why do you think?
Steve: Jim, that's disgusting!
Jim: You ever had a 16 year old Steve?
Steve: No
Jim: Then you don't get it, don't knock it till you try it prick.  Now, go get some new actors and call me when they're good to go.
Steve: Alright (Exits)
Jim: (On phone) Hey Karen, how''s it going? Listen, you got a little something for Daddy Jim? Alright I'm heading over.

Jim enters Karen's house, a coke den, he and Karen are doing lines of Coke and listening to music

Karen: Jim, you love me baby?
Jim: Yeah, sure, whatever you say
Karen: We gonna live in a big house someday?
Jim: Yeah, yeah, as soon as I divorce my stupid wife and get rid of our three little shit stains
Karen: How romantic, all for me Jim?
Jim: or whatever
Karen: Oh Jim, then we can do all the coke we want, no one to tell us when we can or can't do it, just coke, all day, everyday. And you can go to work and sell all your crazy products
Jim: Crazy?
Karen: And I'll be at home being a good wife, cooking and cleaning and doing coke, just like when Martha Stuart was in prison.
Jim: What do you mean Crazy products?
Karen: Well, they ain't exactly the most normal or useful things Jim
Jim: Like what?
Karen: Well, who really needs a Butt Dialer Blocker? Why not just take the phone out of your pocket? Or that whole thing with the illegal aliens?
Jim: Hey Hey, the More or Less Legal Migrant Workers was going great until people started asking questions. You better be careful too Karen, asking all the questions.
Karen: I'm just saying Jim, who needs a high powered coochie washer? Don't you think that'll hurt?
Jim: It's for especially dirty ladies, ones with stuff caked on their walls
Karen: Do you even know what your talking about? Do you know what's down there on a lady?
Jim: What you tryin to say? I got a small dick?
Karen: What? No, I'm just saying maybe you need to rethink some of your products? Your Father--
Jim: My Father? My father is dead, that asshole was murdered by the Gay Mafia, apparently that's a thing now. It's my company now, so don't be telling me about my father! You know what his best seller was? Oxyclean! And Mighty fricken putty! Cheap products, he starts getting taken under by that sham wow asshole, and then BAM dead on an airplane under mysterious circumstances, the Gay Mafia, I'm tellin you Karen, so don't you tell me about my Father!
Karen: Get outta here you coke head, get the fuck out!

Back at the office, he sits in a chair, Steve comes in

Jim: What've you got for me today Steve?
Steve: Well, we have a couple of people coming in to pitch ideas to you today
Jim: More crap I presume?
Steve: A man with an idea for a television remote that works like the clapper
Jim: Gay
Steve: A woman with an idea for a gun that shoots rainbows
Jim: Double Gay
Steve: and a 14 year old girl who has figured out a cheap renewable energy source she calls “Torple”
Jim: Wait, how old?
Steve: 14
Jim: Tell her to come back in 2 years
Steve: Come on, Jim
Jim: What's that? Come on Jim? Come on Jim? You know what? Fuck you Steve
Steve: If your father knew how you ran this business
Jim: Yeah? Well he don't, he's dead. I'm twice the business man he was, oh I know what this is, you miss sucking on my father's prick is that it?
Steve: Excuse me?
Jim: I remember now, my father hired you off the streets, before this you weren't nothing but a cheap prostitute, he always liked to keep his little pets close
Steve: Who told you this?
Jim: No one, I remember it like it was yesterday, I came into his office, like my father did in your mouth, you fucking pervert
Steve: Fuck you Jim (Punches him) I quit, Burn in hell (Spits on him and exits)
Jim: Wait, Steve, come back... Steve? Karen?

Jim gets up  and exits calling for Steve and Karen, he finds himself passed out on a park bench next to Marlon Mason

Jim: Where am I?
Marlon Mason: Your dead my friend, welcome to heaven
Jim: What? Really?
Marlon Mason: No not really, welcome to hell!!! HAHAHA
Jim: Oh my god!
Marlon Mason: Nah I'm just kidding, you passed out on this here park bench
Jim: Oh, thank god, you really scared the crap outta me. I thought I was dead, you know what though I think I was a little relieved
Marlon Mason: What the french? Son, what kinda Commy-lovin bull turd is that? Who would be relieved to be dead? You know how many times I've been on the brink of death and they've brought me back?
Jim: How many?
Marlon Mason: I don't know, that's why I'm asking, shit I've been to the pearly gates so many times they've started charging me rent.  You know what did it? The War!
Jim: Which War?
Marlon Mason: The Great War! The only war that ever mattered to anybody. I got shot by Nazi's, Taliban, Ninjas, Samurai, and Pirates and the like for 48 years! Imagine what that'll do to a man, my whole body is made up of robot parts, shit I even got a sword that comes outta my ass
Jim: An ass sword?
Marlon Mason: Yup, so many parts inside me I've been alive for over 20 years! Can you believe it?
Jim: uh 20 isn't that long
Marlon Mason: All of it thanks to the parts, but especially one, one that ain't even a robot part. My heart! It's 100% Plastic and Cow Bone, bought it off some fella by the name Barry
Jim: Barry?
Marlon Mason: mm hm, Barry Tapestry
Jim: What?
Marlon Mason: This man came up to me with his son, shit must be about your age now, and sold me what I thought was a piece of junk, but he needed the money to get his kid his leukemia medicine. Turned out it saved my life, ya see in the War there was these bastards, the Thugee, they liked to take people's hearts, chanting “Khali-Ma, Khali-Ma!” well they got me and took my heart, and just in the nick of time I got it replaced by this Heart I had just bought off old Barry. He called it the-
Jim: Tapestry Industries Heart of a Cow Artificial Heart?
Marlon Mason: That's it! Name's a bit too long for me, I woulda just called it “Cow Heart” Anyway, they put that heart in me and president Abraham Barack Obama gave me a medal of honor, then discharged me, said I was imbalanced, hell, he's the one who freed all those chinese slaves!
Jim: That was my Father
Marlon Mason: You're the president's son?
Jim: No, Barry, Barry Tapestry
Marlon Mason: No shit? Good man, sold me my heart, made outta plastic and cow bone
Jim: Yeah, you already told me that. I've been living in that man's shadow all my life, how can I live up to his name? I never really learned business from him, he was never around
Marlon Mason: Don't even get me started on distant fathers, I tell you what, my father was never around neither. Before I was even born my father found this game in a construction site, he heard drums coming from it, and decided to play with his childhood sweetheart, but he ended up getting sucked into the game, until two kids in 1995 found the game and set him free. They all decided to beat the game , even after all these strange animals and plants destroyed their house, there was even a hunter. The only way for them to win was to keep playing until they reached the end of the game and say the name of the game!
Jim: Jumanji?
Marlon Mason: how did you know?
Jim: That was a movie, starring Robin Williams?
Marlon Mason: No, I'm pretty sure that was my life, anyway the point of my story is that the Hunter and my father were played by the same man, there's got to be some sort of symbolism there
Jim: You're right! I can't let my father's memory hunt me for the rest of my life! I will be a better man!
Marlon Mason: Or whatever
Jim: Thank you, thank you sir! What's your name anyway?
Marlon Mason: Marlon Mason, esquire
Jim: Marlon Mason esquire, thank you!
Mr. Moral: (Entering) Sometimes it's the craziest people who make the most sense
Marlon Mason: Who are you? One of the Harijuku Warriors?

The End