Scene 1: Leo @ Work
The booth of a small theatre. There is a light board, sound board, prompt book, etc. We hear someone unlock the booth, Leo enters humming a song. He sets up his prompt book, and leaves little gifts at the boards. Karen enters, she is very upper class, her hair is a bit ridiculous.
Leo: Happy opening Karen!
Karen: Happy opening Leo, now I had a question, one of the actresses told me she was going to be late. What should I do?
Leo: Well, how late?
Karen: She didn't say. She said she gets off work at 8.
Leo: But the show is supposed to start at 8, when did she tell you this?
Karen: Oh, Monday, I believe?
Leo: Karen, it's Friday and you wait until two hours before we open to tell me?
Karen: Well, I thought it would get worked out, these things seem to work themselves out.
Leo: Because I fix them. Crap, uh, ok, well who is it anyway?
Karen: Stephanie, I think?
Leo: Which Stephanie? There are three Stephanies in the show.
Karen: No, no, no, she plays Stephanie in the show, I don't remember her name.
Leo: What? Our lead actress doesn't get off work till 8 on opening night and I'm just finding out about it now?
Karen: Yes, well, happy opening Leo! (she exits) (offstage) Hello boys, Jimmy? Jamal?
Jeremy: I'm Jeremy.
Erica: I'm Erica, and a girl...
Karen: It's not important.
(Jeremy and Erica enter)
Jeremy: She still doesn't know our names? (they start turning things on)
Erica: Or that I'm a girl?
Leo: Don't take it personal, I've only worked here for five years and she still sometimes calls me David. Happy opening guys. On your boards you will find gift bags, a gift card for Starbucks, water balloons, and a pair of movie tickets.
Jeremy: Thanks Leo
Erica: Nice, water balloons (goes to leave)
Leo: Ah, ah, they're for after the show.
Erica: Alright. (sits down)
Leo: Hey, did you guys hear that Melissa was going to be late?
Erica: Oh yeah, she told us on Monday.
Leo: What the hell, how come no one told me?
Jeremy: I told her to tell you something, and you didn't hear this from me, but she said was scared you would flip out on her.
Leo: What? Why would she be afraid of that?
(Joel comes in)
Joel: Hey Leo, Sorry I'm late--
Leo: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN JOEL?! What excuse does my assistant manager have for me today?
Joel: The bus broke down and--
Leo: If it's not the trolley then it's the bus, Joel, go take care of your stuff. Let me know when you're on headset. Go.
(Joel exits)
Erica: Yeah, I don't know why she would be afraid of you...
Leo: Oh, crap, I'm a dick. (puts on headset) Joel? Joel? … Joel! Hey, uh sorry about yelling at you, both right now and just a second ago, I'm just a little flustered, did you know Mellissa was going to be late today?... Everyone but me! Uh, sorry, well if you look backstage there is a gift bag for you, a bag of saltwater taffy, movie tickets, and a bottle of wine... for after the show.
(Jill enters, Technical Director)
Leo: Hey Jill what's up?
Jill: Hey Leo, Do you know if Karen brought the ax with her? We are missing an ax for the show.
Leo: I will ask. (On headset) Hey Joel, can you ask Karen if she brought the ax? She took it home last night. What? (To Jill) She says she didn't take it home.
Jill: I saw her leave with it.
Leo: Jill says she saw her leave with it. Oh my god, she didn't say anything? (To Jill) She says she left with it but it didn't make it home is what she meant. Crap, uh, we don't have any other axes do we?
Jill: No, a certain someone lost the other three.
Leo: Did you tell Karen?
Jill: She said: “I'm sure they'll turn up”
Leo: Damnit, uh ok, Erica, you're fast right?
Erica: Pretty fast.
Leo: Ok, run across the street and buy one from that hardware store. Jill you have an hour to dull it, can you do it?
Jill: I'm gonna try (she and Erica exit)
Leo: (On headset) Hey Joel, can you see if you can get a hold of Melissa for me? (To Jeremy) Did you do a light check.
Jeremy: yeah
Leo: Ok, great.
(Karen enters)
Leo: Hey Karen, what can I do for you?
Karen: Well, Leo, I have something to talk about with you, are you free?
Leo: Uh, not really, I mean it is opening Karen. I don't really have a lot of time.
Karen: Well, then I can help you there.
Leo: How's that?
Karen: Well do you remember me telling you about our new generous donor?
Leo: Yeah that's how we've been able to replace all the props you've lost.
Karen: Exactly. Well, he had a stipulation for us getting the money.
Leo: Which is?
Karen: Effective immediately, you're fired!
Leo: What the F-?!
BLACKOUT
Scene 2: Leo @ The Apartment
Lights up on Leo, he stands with a box of things.
Leo: I've been fire from the company on opening night. Some asshole donates a shit ton of money and asks for me specifically to be fired. Who would have thought that would be a thing?! Oh, and here's the kicker... the donor? My ex-boyfriend, Bryan Daniel. Bryan with a “y”. That tool. I dated this guy for like six months, and he decides to ruin my life. WHAT THE FUCK?! So now I have no job. Great. I'm sure the roomies will be pleased.
(Lights up on apartment, the sound of twenty cat is heard—his roommates'. Scrawny long-haired Douche and short red-haired Crazy, both in black goth clothing carry a cat each.)
Douche: Oh man, bummer about your job.
Crazy: Yeah, that is so uncool.
Leo: Uh, thanks guys.
Douche: Hey do you want me to go kick that guy's ass? I could totally rip his heart through his chest.
Leo: Uh, I don't think that's possible.
Douche: Maybe not for you.
Leo: Right. Plus, I think that's murder.
Douche: Psh, human laws don't pertain to us, we are better than that. Better than them.
Leo: Right...
Crazy: Hey look at little Shnookums, she's peeing on your bag! So cute!
Leo: Hey what is my bag doing out here? Wait... are all these boxes my stuff? Douche, Crazy, what's going on here?
Crazy: Well when me and Douche found out you lost your job, we decided it was time for you to move out. The cats don't seem to like you all that much.
Douche: And you always seem mad when we eat your food, it's really lame for our Chi.
Leo: Are you kidding me? First of all, I told you from the get-go I didn't like the cats, or want them in my room because I'm allergic to them. Second, I am paid up for this month. I have at least another two weeks. Third, you can't just pack up all of my things. And Finally, of course I got mad when you ate my food. It's my food! I paid for it, I expect to eat it!
Crazy: Your yelling is really uncool.
Douche:Yeah maybe I'll use some karate to shut you up.
Leo: Douche, shut up, just admit you don't know karate. Guys I still have two weeks here, so thanks for making them super awkward.
Crazy: No, we're going to have to ask you to leave tonight. We already changed the locks, and have someone else moving in.
Douche: And you're not on the lease so this is perfectly legal. And I totally know karate. If the cats weren't watching I'd pull your heart out of your chest for your insolence.
Leo: Fuck your cats. They don't give a shit. They're cats! They are not people. Stop treating them like they are people. They do not get votes on movie night. If I have to watch Aristocats one more fucking time I will murder every cat in the world!
(Black out, lights on Leo)
Leo: Apparently threatening cats was too far. They called the cops and I was forcibly removed from the premises. Not before throwing at least one cat in the pool... bastards. So I made a phone call that I;d been dreading for a very long time. (Holds up phone) Hi, mom. (Puts phone down) I called my parents asking if I could move back home. Back home was Wildomar CA. A nice little town that no one really knows, so I tell them Lake Elsinore. They've kinda heard of it. Murrieta also sounds familiar. And Temecula, “Oh that's where all the wineries are”. So that's where I moved back to. Cozy little Wildomar, where meth-labs and cattle are found on the same property. Where there are horse crossing signs, and public transportation is that one bus that comes every five hours. Not to mention my family. This will be... interesting.
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